Free Will

Free will; Man’s greatest gift and yet his greatest curse. Without free will we would do what we were told, when we were told to do it, how we were told to do it and when to stop doing it. Simply put we would be automatons controlled by someone who was an automaton for someone else. It is free will that gives us the chance to make choices in our lives. It is free will that allows us to do good or evil. It is free will that makes us who and what we are and will become. That is what makes free will the greatest gift we have.

Free will also allows us the chance to make bad choices. Do I eat that boston cream filled éclair or stay on the diet and lose those extra fifty pounds? Do I keep smoking cigarettes and ruin my lungs or stop and let my lungs regenerate back into healthy organs? Do I keep walking or pick up that item that doesn’t belong to me without paying for it? Free will determines the answer to all decisions we have. What we do depends on our core beliefs and moral values. If we have been raised to be good, gentle law abiding citizens and our free will let us keep those values we will more than likely do the good thing. But, we have prisons full of people that took their free will and made the bad choice.

When a person likes another it is the free will of each that will determine how that relationship progresses or how it withers before becoming anything. John has a crush on Jane. Jane has her eye on Jerry who happens to be in a relationship. The choices people make here are all according to their free will. Who wins and who loses is all determined by each participant’s free will. There will always be conflict and there will always be winners and losers. John cannot force Jane to like him and Jane cannot force Jerry out of his current relationship. One cannot supersede another’s free will and make them do what one wants.

In today’s society it is rare that a relationship lasts any length of time at all. Why is this? It is because people have free will and make bad choices. A person will end a relationship simply because they have chosen not to continue it. It is plain and simple. They are using their free will to make a choice to end that relationship for whatever reason they can come up with. This is what makes free will a curse. People have become hedonistic to the point that if they feel slighted in the least they are willing to throw away whatever causes them the least bit of pain.

I think I would be safe to say that free will is controlled by our emotions, our desires and our needs. What we love, what we desire and what we need all determine what our actions will be. If we are hungry but have no money to feed ourselves what would a person do to eat? Our free will gives us the choices to either steal something to eat, beg some food from someone or work for some food. There is no one that can control another’s free will. A person can try to manipulate someone into a choice, debate an issue and change a the other’s perception or just argue a point to change in idea but a person will believe what they believe, do what they do or be with whom they want simply because it is their choice to do so. Their free will, their ability to make their own choices, controls all things in their life.

What would happen if we did not have our free will? Let’s put it into the relationship from above. John likes Jane but Jane is interested in Jerry. If there was no free will we wouldn’t have the choice of who we were with. Someone above us all would determine whether John is with Jane or Jane is with Jerry or even if John is with Jerry. John wants Jane to the point of obsession. They are at a party that has a hypnotist as a guest. John asks the hypnotist to make Jane like him. That would go against her free will and is extremely immoral. If she had no free will John’s request would be completely accepted. The hypnotist would put the suggestion in her subconscious that she was madly in love with John and he would get what he wants.

If we go one step further and say the both John and Jerry are obsessed with Jane. If Jane did not have free will to make her own choices what would happen?  Like the Trojan War, Greece and Troy fighting because of Helen, John and Jerry would fight over her with her having to sit back and wait to see who would ‘win’ her. Every person needs to have the ability to choose his/her own destiny. For good or evil our choices make us who we are. We are masters of our own destiny and we, alone, determine where our destiny lies. Our free will is the one most important factor in that. We do not always make right choices but if we did what would we learn?

I have witnessed people making bad, extremely bad, choices and tried to show them that. It is much better to learn from other’s mistakes than to go through the pain they did. But, as mi hijo as said to me many times, “I know you’ve tried to tell me but I have to go through it to fully understand it.” He has to learn by fire to get it through his head. My daughter has made some really bad choices in her short life but says the same thing. It is not a good thing when a person has to tell someone else, “I told you so. I told you this would happen.” Let each person use their free will to learn. Warn, advise and then be there to pick up the pieces when your loved ones fall on their faces and hope that they don’t make such bad choices as to ruin their lives. Their free will dictates where they go, your leadership, your wisdom and your teaching will have a big impact on that free will of those you love most. Make sure your free will dictates the right things to those people. Use the gift not the curse.

My World, My Life, My Loves

I realize that a lot of my blog posts have been, shall we say, sappy for lack of better terminology. I apologize for this but the moods I have been have dictated where the words come from. As with all my writing, the words are not necessarily mine but the character’s or the mood’s. Therefore, what appears on paper (or on Microsoft Word) is what is going through my twisted mind. That being said, let me continue on with this post and see where it goes, shall we?

I have written about love, unrequited love, lust, soul mates, friends and lovers. All of these writings have had merit, as far as I’m concerned anyway, and each has had its own purpose. As a lot of people know, I am not a big believer in love between two people, only lust. A person can love their children, their siblings, their parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews but to love a person, forever, as a partner, I am very much inclined to disbelieve it. I just can’t believe that two people can love each other unconditionally for a lifetime as partners, significant others, husband and wife or any other way it can be said. Too often relationships end over the smallest thing, a slight misunderstanding or jealousy. A lifelong relationship just doesn’t happen anymore.

As for me, I do love certain people. I love my children more than life itself and I have friends that I would go through hell for. Lifelong relationships like that do happen. I have always, in my blogs, kept from stating names of people I care about other than my children but this one is different; I will put names to the people closest to me. I hope that these people will forgive the intrusion of their privacy.

My children, Jaquie and Michael, are my world. They are the reason I continue to suffer through this life of lost hope. The battles I have fought for them are beyond comprehension for most people. I have fought them for one reason: they are my children and I love them. I would die for my children, without a second thought. I regret that this world has become what it is while they are still growing and will have to suffer through things that I couldn’t even imagine when I was their age. I just hope that they are strong enough to survive.

My youngest children are my world. We argue. We disagree. We hate each other a lot of the time. The one thing that will always remain is that, no matter what, the love between us is stronger than anything else in the world. Through all the hardships, all the pain and all the suffering we have gone through, we are still a family and will remain a family. Jaquie has told me that I am her hero. Michael shows me every day how much he needs and loves me. What they don’t know is how much I love them and how important they are to me. Without them, I would have no reason to continue on. I would have no reason to keep fighting the fight. They are my life and love. Everything I do is because of them. I would have it no other way.

This life has been challenging to say the least, especially for the last sixteen or seventeen years. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster that most people would not survive. I’ve lost more than most people will ever have. I’ve been persecuted, prosecuted and lied about. I’ve done good things and bad. Through it all I have had my children with me and they have always loved their dad. Jaquie has given me advice, told me what to do, informed me of what I have done wrong and, more times than not, she has been right. She is her dad. She would rather hurt me with the truth than make me feel good with a lie. More than once I have had to look at her and say, “Damn it, Babe. You were right. Again.” Pisses me the hell off. I love her more than anything, more than she will ever know. For seventeen years she has been my baby and she will continue to be my baby until the end of time.

Michael, on the other hand, is my shadow. Whatever Dad is doing or whatever Dad likes is what he does and likes. He is his father’s son. Life with him has been more than a challenge. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, true childhood bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder and reactive attachment disorder. As he grows he is gaining more and more control over his problems and he is becoming a man in his own right. At fifteen he has few friends other than the friends that are mine. This is fine as the people I have around me are kind, considerate and, above all, tolerant of his behaviors that are not what most would call socially acceptable. He is my son and I will fight to the bitter end for him and he will stand up for me no matter what. That is what makes him one of the most special people in my life. My love for him knows no boundaries.

Throughout the ages I have been many things; I have had many people in my lives. The one constant is the people that have meant the most to me. Through the Celtic, Greek and Roman eras, the middle ages, the Industrial Revolution on into the present day I have had the same people with me. They may disagree, they may not believe, they may think me insane, but I do believe it because, if for no other reason, they are so important to me now. What were they in those past lives? I can only venture a guess, but as important as they are now, they were as close, if not closer, in those days gone by.

Mi Hijo, Julian. He is one of the most important people in my life that is not blood. Even though he is young, just 20 years old, he has been an advisor, sounding board, stabilizer and a voice of reason in a world of chaos. He has been my rock in a river of rapids on many occasions. With his mind, his logic, his common sense and compassion, he keeps me grounded. He will tell me if I am totally stupid or just making a mistake. I ask a lot of him; too much at times but without him I would be lost completely. He is my best friend, my son and part of the foundation of my world.

I have written about Zeus and Ganymede. I have written about social values and practices from ancient times to the present. I have spouted my theories and beliefs about what is, and isn’t, accepted behaviors within a society. My ideals about sexuality, partnerships, relationships, friends and lovers have been explained over and over. Achilles, Alexander, Leonardo, Mozart, Hitler, Churchill, and a host of others throughout history have all had one thing in common: as great a man as each was, they all had male partners in their lives. I do believe that throughout each of my past lives, Julian has been there as friend, son, partner and advisor. He has always been a part of my life. This life is no different. He has been there for many years, since he was just a wee lad, he and his twin brother. I can say without pause or embarrassment that I love him. I love him as much as I love my own children. I cannot see life without him there.

In the golden age before the Greek and Roman gods, as I have written before, I was a king. Hated and loved at the same time. I was a tyrant and demanded respect. My subjects feared and revered me. I was a god. All rulers need someone beside them. Who was the one beside me? I can only speculate that it was Julian. He and I think so much alike most of the time that I can only imagine him as someone that I could trust enough to not conspire against me. Even in this life, I trust him more than anyone. He holds the razor above my wrist and he, alone, can destroy me. That kind of trust does not come easily, nor does it come in one lifetime. He, alone, would be the one that I would entrust a kingdom to and he, alone, do I place above all others, save my children.

There are those times when mi hijo will look at me and ask, “Why do you need me?” I can only look at him and try to find the right words to let him know just how important he is and nothing seems to convey what he means to me. Throughout our lives together he has always been that way. He just doesn’t realize his importance or his worth. Even though he is young, he is older than his chronological age. His mind is so advanced that I forget just how young he is. His advice and his insight are more valuable to me than that of a man much older than myself. The only thing Julian lacks is experience in this life and if he would just tap into his past, into the Universe and sense the information from those long past days he could gain that experience without going through it in this life. Most of the advice I ask from him today pertains to my children. This is because he is just slightly older than them and understands more what they are going through and how kids these days think. But even when it is something far greater, his insight is still sought simply because of his intellect and logic. He is the Robert to my John Kennedy.

Sonya, another advisor and compatriot, is important to me. She, also, can be a voice of reason in a world of chaos. Where Julian is logic, Sonya is emotion. She keeps my roller-coaster from leaving the tracks. She, too, is young. But, youth does not always mean stupidity or lack of common sense. Youth means not having the experiences in life that will make you second guess yourself. Cynicism has not set in so deep as to make the world look completely black. Sonya looks at the world realistically yet with eyes that see the good as well as the bad. She has the balance, emotionally, that I lack because of my cynicism and depressive outlook on life.

 She has been my emotional anchor for quite some time. When things look darkest and I can only see the blackness of despair, she is there to light the way. Being a Wiccan, she is also my ‘psychic’ advisor. I have never liked the term ‘psychic’ as that denotes a fraud and she is not a fraud. The Tarot and runes never lie, it’s just how you interpret them and she has rarely been wrong. She has been there through some of my darkest days and helped me through some of my lowest times.

As with Julian, there has been a lot asked of her. Not once has she complained or balked at my requests. She has told me when I was stupid and when I needed to wait for things instead of rushing in head first. Where Julian is my rock, Sonya is the rope that keeps me there. She can bring a smile when all I want to do is bitch and moan and then make me see the folly of my misery. There are times I would like to tell her to go kick rocks with what she is telling me but I know that she is right. That is what makes a good advisor and a great friend; someone who will not always tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear.

While Julian has always been the one beside me, Sonya has always been the one in the shadows, quietly giving her input where needed. This is not in any way downgrading her importance. Every great man has had a strong woman somewhere in his life to make him the great one he is. Sonya has been that woman. Never being anything more than friend and advisor but still more important than any other woman has ever been and I cannot see life without her.

Honesty and integrity, two of the most important aspects in any relationship, are what keeps these two in the top two spots on my list. I could leave a million dollars cash money on the table and leave knowing that it would all be there when I came back, no matter how long it took, as long as Julian and Sonya were there. That is what has made them both so important throughout history with me. These two people cannot be replaced by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Without their minds, their hearts, their love and devotion I would not be half the man I am. They have made me what and who I am and it has taken a multitude of lives to form me. It has taken many lives to make me into the person I am and I owe it all to Julian and Sonya. I will forever be grateful to them for what all they have done, are doing and, hopefully, will continue to do.

This is my world. This is my family. These are the most important people in my life. I know that Julian would say that I forgot one; that his brother should be in here also. Josh is in here, always. He has his reasons for being absent from my everyday life and I accept those reasons. This does not mean that I think less of him. He is Julian’s twin. He was my number one Mexican until he was forced to be absent by circumstances beyond his control. I will always love him and he will always be a major factor in my life. It is only that he will be at a distance for most of the time. When he does come around, and he does occasionally, I am extremely happy. I miss him and wish he were here more but that cannot be at this time. He will return and I will write about him. But not right now. There are others that have been in my life that I know have been part of my past; Jesse and Brian for example. They are not part of my life at this time so I don’t speak of them often and they are not as important at this time. They have been, though. That will be another story altogether and is not part of this one.

I will never back down and I will never back away. I will fight the fight and win the day for this family of mine as I know they would for me. I love them more than they could possibly know. They get upset at me, they hate when I keep telling them how much I love them and they berate me for a lot of things I do and say. But they, at the end of the day, know that I am right and that all I am doing is being the best I can be. Without Jaquie, Michael, Julian and Sonya I would not survive anything. I would lose the fight simply because I would have no reason to fight it. They are all I am.

 

 

 

Your Soul Mate: Who is He/She?

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I was trying to find a good subject for a blog but couldn’t get my mind around it. Mi Hijo turned me on to this website called GoodReads that has quotes from books, authors, celebrities on other famous people. Now, I have been known to write about a lot of things that I know absolutely nothing about so I thought maybe I would try the subject of love and soul mates. I found this quote to be very enlightening. I like what Ms. Gilbert said so I will continue on with this as best I can with wit, humor and a base of knowledge that comes to the sum total of zero.

My idea of a soul mate has always been exactly what Ms. Gilbert said in that first sentence: the perfect fit. You know; that one person in the world that completes you, fills you up and you never want to be without. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Of course it is. The best friend, the lover, the confidante all rolled into one. That, my friends, is a soul mate. At least that’s what I thought it was until I read this quote and got to thinking about it. As I read through this I got to thinking about it more closely. What is a best friend? What is a confidante? We all know what a lover is.

A best friend is someone who loves you no matter who you are, what you are, where you are or anything else. They don’t care if you are rich or poor, skinny or fat, cute or ugly or even popular or an outcast. They love you for you; all of you. That best friend will also let you know when you screw up, when you are going down the wrong path or when you are on the precipice of oblivion. They let you know when you are sabotaging yourself and make you look at yourself honestly. Your walls are non-existent to them because you trust them so implicitly and because your walls are down, they are able to make you see yourself for who you are. They hold the razor to your life and can cut you to the heart, destroying you because they know everything about you. That is a best friend because they can do all that and still love you for it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is always up to you to change if you choose and if you choose not to they will still love you.

The confidante is that person that knows every secret in your life. Well, maybe not every secret but pretty darn close. You go to them for advice, consolation, in victory and defeat. They are the Robert to your John Kennedy. More than a best friend yet not quite because that razor isn’t in their hand like it is with the Best Friend, but they kinda hold the hand that holds the razor.

So, going on this line of thought, a soul mate is best friend, confidante and, a lot of the time, the lover, but this type of soul mate described by Ms. Gilbert is one that comes into your life, is all the above for a while and then leaves because their job is done. Once this type of soul mate has broken you down to build you up, they go somewhere else to do the same damage to someone else knowing that you are the better person for it. I kind of agree with this yet disagree because I believe that this type soul mate stays in your life as the mentor type person. Still a best friend and still someone you confide in. They still hold that damn razor. They may no longer be the lover for one reason or another but they will always be in your life simply because you will always need that person to keep you in line, show you a different route, and help you along the way to keep from falling.

Let’s go a little bit further. Let’s say that you have someone in your life that you think is your soul mate. It doesn’t matter whether that soul mate is same sex or not. You have to look at who they are and what they do for you. Is it that they just make you happy? Is it that you’ve known them forever and have been close friends your whole life? Is it because they like the same things you do? Is it because they are there when you need them no matter what? All good questions to think about.

If they just make you happy that does not make a soul mate. It just means that you like to be around them, they’re funny, and they can make you smile when you’re in a bad mood. Just about anyone can do that if they try hard enough. Go to a bloody circus and watch the clowns, if you’re not afraid of clowns. After a while that frown will turn to a smile. The same goes for if it is because they like the same things you do. I’ve known people that mimicked someone because they wanted to be like them to the point where their whole lives changed. I read something decades ago about a kid that loved Star Trek’s Spock so much that he changed himself into Spock, to the point of not even showing emotion. That doesn’t make a person a soul mate.

So you’ve known this person your whole life and have been best friends. This person would do their best to come to your aid in the middle of the night if you needed them. Most people have friends like that; most, not all. Does that make this person your soul mate? Hardly. If it did then everyone would have their soul mates without trying and no one would be looking for that special someone.

Let’s put it all together now. You have a best friend that likes everything you do, makes you happy and will come to your aid that you have known your whole life. You can even share your inner-most thoughts, fears and dreams with this person. They might even know you better than most but that does not mean they are your soul mate. Re-read Ms. Gilbert’s description and you’ll see what I mean. A soul mate will tear you down, make you see yourself honestly, help you find yourself, guide you, advise you, be there for you, tear up your ego a little just to make you see yourself more honestly and then build a stronger you.

A true soul mate, that one person that comes into your life that so special, is a rarity; so much so that when you find that person you should grab hold of him/her and love them with all your heart and soul and never let them go. The true soul mate, whether same sex or not, will be more to you than anyone else; loyal, trustworthy, the confidante, the conscience, the guide, the mentor and could possibly even be the lover. Most people see their soul mate as the lover simply because they believe their soul mate is opposite sex. If that soul mate is same sex it can, and sometimes does, include a sexual relationship, albeit, discreet and secret.

The vast majority of people believe that sex is an integral part of soul mates. If it is a same sex person then is sex that important? To some it is, others it is not. A person can be straighter than a stripper pole and still be in an intimate relationship with someone that is same sex. Both parties can be straight and still be in that same sex relationship if there is trust, loyalty, devotion and love. Then, the soul mate relationship will be totally complete as the majority sees it. The sexual side, if same sex, is unknown to the world but enjoyed by the two involved behind closed doors.

So, when you find that special someone, and if you haven’t, you will, it won’t matter who they are, how old they are, what sex they are or where they are in life, they will be there for you and love you more than anyone else could or would, so take hold of them like a drowning man grabs a life preserver. Keep them close and believe that, no matter what, they are there and there is nothing that you could do or say that will ever make them not love you. Trust him/her to always have your back, never cut you down, never humiliate you, always build you up and to love you with all their heart and soul. There is that someone out there for you. All you have to do is open your eyes and see.

Decisions

There comes a time in everyone’s life that requires a decision to be made that will dramatically change the future of that person. Every decision has the capacity to change a future in some small way, or not, but it isn’t as obvious that those decisions will affect the life of the person. There are those decisions that will so blatantly and obviously change the future are the ones discussed here. These are the life changing thought processes that render a person almost incapable of making a choice between options. And depending on how many options there are is what can make that choice impossible to make. But, those are the ones that need to be made. Those are the ones that, if not made, could spell disaster. Could, but not necessarily. Not making a decision could change nothing and life will continue on in a way that makes a person regret not having made a choice.

I am not talking about a choice between a latte espresso mocha or a cappuccino espresso. I’m not talking about whether to rent “Iron Man 3” or “Rambo 3.” The choices I am referring to are much more important. Life choices would be a good term to describe them. The problem there is that we don’t always know when a decision could change the rest of our lives. As in the book “Divergent,” the blurb reads. “One choice can change your life” These decisions are even, in a way, more important, and harder, than deciding whether, or not, to go to college and which college to go to; harder than whether, or not, to marry your high school sweetheart and even harder than deciding whether to leave your hometown/home-state to pursue a better job opportunity. Why are these choices harder and more important? Because they seem small and insignificant at times even as they are hard to make.

John, a hard working construction worker, lives alone in a medium sized two bedroom apartment. He makes enough to pay the bills, have food on the table and still be able to do extra-curricular activities and save for his future. In other words, he’s not hurting for money. He has a choice to make. Jane, a secretary at the construction company he works for, needs a place to move to, reason being that her lease was up and she couldn’t afford all it takes to have her own place. She asked John if she could move in with him and pay half the bills. Simple enough decision isn’t it? Really? If John allows Jane to move in, will it stay a platonic, business arraignment or turn into a relationship between the two of them? This one little, simple choice has the possibility of changing John’s life forever, not to mention Jane’s.

Each and every day of our lives we make decisions that have the possibility of changing the rest of our lives. The above example is a fairly common situation these days. A lot of people share homes and expenses because the economy is not the best and those arraignments turn out as they seem, as roommates only. Sometimes those roommates are friends to begin with or they become friends. Sometimes the friends end up hating each other because of money problems.

Juan likes a certain person. This person is a friend of his that he has known for a long time. Over the years he has become extremely fond of her to the point of thinking that he may be in love with her. She dates and has relationships with different people; talk to him about these relationships and how much she likes this or that person. Juan sits back and wishes that she would like him as much as he does her. He has a choice: tell her how he feels and take the chance of losing a friend or that friend’s respect or leave it alone and live with unrequited love. Either way he goes it will be a life changing decision. In this case, if he tells her she could, possibly laugh at him and destroy his ego or she could say that she feels the same way and they become a couple, which could end in several different ways or continue on for a lifetime.

Let’s take the above case scenario into today’s world where same sex relationships are the topic of conversation every day.

Johnny, a bi-sexual, likes Winston, someone that he believes to be straight, but at times acts as if he could possibly be bi-sexual. Same scenario as above where Winston is going through the relationships and talking to Johnny about them. The choices are the same; the outcomes could be totally devastating to Johnny. One possible outcome if he talks to Winston is that he will be physically attacked because Winston is not open to a same-sex relationship and their friendship would be over, something that destroy Johnny. If he says nothing, it would still be unrequited love. If Winston agrees and they become a couple, Winston would still have to keep up his reputation as a ‘lady’s man’ and his relationship with Johnny would have to be a very discreet secret, one that could destroy them if found out about. What to do about this? A very hard, life changing, decision; simple yet hard and one that would not seem, at the time, to be life changing.

Susan, an eighteen year old high school graduate, has an opportunity to go to University abroad on a scholarship. She has never been away from her hometown more than a few days at a time and when she was homesickness overwhelmed her. To be educated in Europe would help her advance her life dramatically in her chosen field if she were to travel but if she studied at the local community college she would still be able to gain employment and make a moderate living in her chosen field.

Life changing decision- leave home and travel to far-away lands or stay home and not attain her potential. If she were to go to Europe she could possibly want to stay, or maybe meet her soul-mate or she could stay home and live a life of safety and mediocrity, marry her high school sweetheart, raise kids and never know what she could have become.

There are many, many examples of small choices that could impact your entire future, the above are just a few of those that encompass several different, everyday areas. I could go into things like: whether or not to get behind the wheel of a car after having just one beer, smoking that joint or not, asking out the cheer leader when you aren’t a jock, voting Democrat or Republican and the list goes on and on. Each one of these choices, these decisions, has an impact on the future. So, next time you’re standing in line at the local Starbucks, think really hard whether you want the café mocha or the triple espresso cappuccino latte, you never know how it will affect your future love life.

Who am I?

Who am I? Is what I see actually me? Or is it just a ghost, a shadow of some long forgotten existence? If I am just a shadow, who is that long forgotten entity I am the remainder of; a hero, a jester, a knight or a knave? Could I have been a king or just a peasant; maybe a mighty wizard or a lowly apprentice? No matter who or what I was, what remains of that person; the entire personality, core values, wants and needs or a mix of these things from that long forgotten man?

Who am I? I have lived before, long ago in an age of danger and enchantment. A time when sorcerers held more sway in what happened than anyone, even a king. It was a time when dragons terrorized villages and castles without regard to human life.  But, who was I? My ‘now’ is the mirror image of my past. If this is true then I was nothing more than street trash, doing what had to be done to survive, no matter the cost to ego, self or reputation. I was a beggar, a thief, a sorry shadow of a human being willing to be whatever to whomever; a consort, a stable-hand, a soldier, a spy. I was as expendable as the morning chamber-pot. But, is that what I am now? Is that all I can ever be?

Who am I? In this life, in this time, I have done whatever I needed to do to survive. I have been that beggar, that thief, stable-hand and soldier. My core values have been shredded more than once just so my family could survive. But, this is not everything. Those bygone days of yore left an indelible mark upon my soul. A mark that the gods of old branded me with so never to be released from my servitude. Zeus and Ganymede, Greek offerings, Egyptian ransoms and Roman perversions all are etched into my very soul.

So who am I? I am a monster. An ambiguous sense of being that manifests nothing but harm to others simply for the enjoyment contrived thereof. A Kraken, a dragon, a vampire, a werewolf, all together in a man’s body, disguised as a moral human only to have the monster unleash its’ unholy terror when it feels compelled to do so. I am the bane of humanity. A curse placed upon this earth for the entertainment of gods long forgotten; Odin, Hel, Freya, Loki, Thor, Heimdall and a host of others, laughing and taunting me endlessly into the night and beyond.

Instead of the question: Who am I? It should be asked: What am I? It is not feasible for an entity that is not human to be “who” but only a “what.” What I am, humanity does not recognize as being even close to human. I am a monster of such magnitude that if I were to unleash the totality of my horror the world would not survive. As it is, only a small fraction of a fraction is ever released at one time and that is more than the man can endure. The man is held captive by the monster for it needs a vessel for survival in this world.

The man tears and strains against the bonds that hold him tethered to this hideous creature, only to find that even Fenrir could not break free from these bonds. Where is Tyr? Who will place their hand in the mouth of the Wolf now? Will the man be ever a slave to the monster or will the mighty gods of the Celts save him from his fate? The norns are weaving and unweaving a life of misery, laughing at the suffering they cause. Oh, Frigg, save this mortal man, beseech the mercy of the All-Father so that the suffering might end.

When two minds are battling for one space throughout eons, weariness overcomes the weaker and the stronger beholds victory. This battle is almost at an end. The monster has risen more frequently and more forcefully as time continues. I fear that what will become of the man is nothing more than a forgotten ghost, placed among those things no longer needed or believed in. The man will fade from existence and the monster will devour his soul and the hedonistic ways of evil will prevail. Woe to those who will behold the life left. Evil will prevail with no thoughts of family or friends. Only the desires of the creature will continue. No heed will be given to harm done to anyone or anything in its quest for the whim of pleasure, both physical and mental.

I rue the day I am lost to this. The most foul of things from the darkest corners of Hades, the deepest pits of Tartarus could not contain the evil that will be set upon the earth. Neither foe, nor friend, will escape unscathed. Loved ones will turn to hate the man for all that will be done through him. They will not fathom the reason why he has turned away from good and just and right. Neither man, nor woman, will fail to catch his attention. Greek and Roman will prevail. Caligula, Augustus, Prometheus, all will bow to the deviantness of the creature.

Behold the evil within us. All have it at their beck and call. Most keep it bound tightly, never allowing it a second of freedom. Once the freedom is tasted, it lusts after all it can acquire. Lust is all it knows. Both man and woman and yet, neither. It takes nothing more than a thought to provoke this part of the monster. A thought, a scent, a sight or even a memory can bring forth the desire of physical pleasure. Not just desire, but a need most powerful; a need not to be unfulfilled. This is the hedonist in the creature. This is what will destroy the man totally.

Pleasure of the senses. Taste- only the finest mead, sound- only the most melodious of flutes, touch- naked flesh under the softest silk, sight-the most beautiful visions of man and nature and smell- only the odors of love will satiate the beast. This is what is to come of me. A man lost in a world unknown to him, yet, known.

So, who am I? Just a man. A man hoping for forgiveness from those that may be harmed by the beast within. A man that knows he cannot fight the beast another day. A man who, as much as he tried, will fall to the whims of a mirthless god.

Love is Not Sex

Over the course of my lifetime I have discovered something that is so disturbing that it makes me distrust the human race more than any other thing. This one thing, as insignificant as it may seem, is probably the one most important cause of rebelliousness, disrespect, disloyalty and disobedience in our society. Rumors are started and spread like wildfire over this. Lives are ruined because of it. The sad part is that it would be easy to change the attitude about it if people would stop being sheeple and start being human again; if the sheeple of the world would open their eyes and minds and start standing up for themselves instead of being blind followers to an evil empire.

What is this one thing that I speak of? Love. Easy, right? Hold the phone! What does love have to do with all the ills of the world? It isn’t love per se, but the lack thereof. People, by and large, have become so self-absorbed that the only person they love, if they love anyone at all, are themselves. Most parents, even, don’t care about their children other than to make sure they don’t get them into trouble. Notice I said ‘most,’ not all, but most. There are those parents that love their children more than life itself. Those are not the parents that I am talking about.

People have gotten to believe that no one can care about anyone outside of family unless sex is involved. If a person cares about another person they have to have ulterior motives, read ‘sexual;’ this is not always the scenario. There are those people that have enough familial love to care about others as their own children, parents or brother/sister. It is the simple-minded, narrow-minded or secretly perverted people that think otherwise; that think a man/woman cannot love another’s child as their own or a child can’t look at an adult as a surrogate parent. It are those type people that spread rumors of perversion and illegal/immoral behavior between an adult and child.

Over the past several years I have had dozens of kids in my house that are friends of my kids. Ninety nine percent of these kids have come to me and said, “I wish I had a dad like you.” I would always tell them that they really didn’t. The only reason they said that was because I was not responsible for them and if they would talk to my kids they would tell them I could be a real dick at times. Out of all those kids, the ones that asked my advice, that listened to my ‘old man’ stories, that were not judged for their mistakes and were accepted for who they were, only a handful actually followed my advice. Those that did not, well, they have gone on doing the drugs and drinking, stealing and generally being bad examples of humanity. It is the ones that did listen that have gone on to be productive members of society.

To go on further, only two of all those kids are still in my life on a regular basis. I call these two boys my sons. I love them just as much as I love my own two kids and treat them as if they were my own children. I watched these two grow from two ‘loser’ weed smoking teens into two of the most responsible young adults in town. Anyone would be proud to call them their sons and I know their mother is very proud of them. I am proud of them for what they have become. They still have their issues, as everyone does, but they are more responsible, loyal and trustworthy than nearly anyone else in this town. The best part is that they both tell me that I had a large part in what they became and they love me like a father.

Why bring this up, you ask? Because rumors abound; it isn’t right that I should love these boys like I do. They shouldn’t love me the way they do. There just has to be some immoral activity going on. That could not be further from truth. These two boys are sons to me, period. One, in particular, spends a lot of time with me, which I enjoy immensely. We talk about everything. I give him advice, he tells me of his exploits, we discuss books, movies and music and we enjoy each other’s company. My home is his home. My children treat him as a brother. Yet, rumors abound that there is more to this relationship than a father/son scenario all because it isn’t right that this type relationship exists.

Both of these boys have been in my life a long time and neither have ever asked anything from me, taken anything from me or expected anything from me other than friendship. They have earned their place in my life and the life of my own children. The have earned the love they receive from me and my kids and they return that love in kind. To think anything different is insane and those that do think there is something perverted about it are the perverted ones. It takes a very small mind to think the way a lot of people do.

I told this story as an example of the problems with humanity; most of the world thinks in the small way that most of the people in my town do. Humanity is self-destructive and have no sense of self-worth. If the sheeple of the world actually had faith in themselves and weren’t so self-absorbed this world would be a much better place and a lot of innocent people’s lives would not be ruined by rumors and untruths. This is also one of the biggest reasons that I have become a recluse, isolating myself from humanity. I refuse to think in a way that is detrimental to the basic instincts of mankind. I believe in the ultimate good in everyone and every day I am shown that people would rather embrace the evil, dark side of their being instead of the loving, open and kind side. Until humanity gets back to its’ roots and realizes that there is more to life than bigotry, racism, perversion, hate and the multitude of phobias against each other the world is doomed to destruction.

Unrequited Love. Really?

This is going to be the kind of blog that is so prevalent for me-serious yet, at the same time, slightly humorous. The subject is unrequited love, or a supposed unrequited love. What do I mean by that? I will attempt to explain that the best I can within the confines of the English language without writing a novel.

Unrequited love is something that happens during middle through high school. The premise is a lonely boy, or girl, that is so in love with someone who does not return that love. That can be one of the worst feelings in the world. I believe that everyone goes through this at least once in their life. Some people think that it isn’t love at all but a crush. To the typical middle/high school aged kid there doesn’t seem to be a difference between a crush and love. To that age group love is the physical longing for another and not much else and that is what I would call lust. Ok, how is that a crush? Lust is a crush for that person because you want that person so badly you would do whatever for them.

What about when that 14 to 18 year old kid grows up and finds someone that just isn’t interested in them the same way he/she is interested in them? Is it still unrequited love? According to the Urban Dictionary it is. Any love that is unreturned is unrequited. Most adults handle it much better than children; it is a much more tragic form when the person is older. After all, once you reach maturity a person is supposed to already know the difference between a crush, lust and love and should be able to discern when another is just not interested.

There are those that just can’t quite get it, though. Like the guy that follows a girl around like a puppy just to be able to be around them, hoping that she will, just maybe, give him a little loving. Those are the ones that get used and abused because of their feelings. That girl will take advantage of the situation and keep that guy on the string as long as she can knowing full well that he will end up with a broken heart and empty bank account. Sad but true.

How about the girl that is so in love, or so she thinks, that she becomes ‘the stalker?’ Calls at three in the morning, showing up at odd times, complaining about the guy’s other friends that are female and generally acting the fool toward him are actions prevalent in this situation. Is it a crush, lust or unrequited love? I think it is probably a mix of all three, especially since it is usually married people, not to each other.

My Hijo, one of two boys that I look at as sons, once told me, “Kindness is often mistaken for flirtation.” He has this problem all the time. He is a kind man and treats everyone he meets with kindness and respect. Most girls, though, take that as him flirting with them, even after they get to know him. Are these girls affected by unrequited love or just lust and a crush? He is a good-looking kid with an ego that is out of this world. I keep saying that if he were to walk into a room with a hundred girls and ten guys, those other guys wouldn’t stand a snow ball’s chance in hell of getting lucky. Sad thing about it-I’ve seen it happen. His girlfriend is an extremely lucky girl to have him. I make it sound like he’s a man-whore which could not be further from the truth; he is not one to cheat on his significant other, either.

I believe that most people suffer from unrequited love quite often. There are few, anymore, that can honestly say that the one they are with is the only love of their life and no one else catches their eye. We, as a race, have made ourselves this way. I blame my generation for this. My parent’s generation was the last to have loyalty and respect for their partner. My generation brought about free love, multiple partners without regard to emotion, expanded drug use and doing whatever just because it felt good. My generation did away with loyalty, respect and that deep abiding love that my parents enjoyed and lived. This also brought about that feeling of wanting someone who won’t return the same to you. I’m not saying that there wasn’t unrequited love before the ‘60s, but it couldn’t have been as wide spread as it is now.

The question, if there is one, could only be this: is it really unrequited love or just unreturned lust?