Decisions

There comes a time in everyone’s life that requires a decision to be made that will dramatically change the future of that person. Every decision has the capacity to change a future in some small way, or not, but it isn’t as obvious that those decisions will affect the life of the person. There are those decisions that will so blatantly and obviously change the future are the ones discussed here. These are the life changing thought processes that render a person almost incapable of making a choice between options. And depending on how many options there are is what can make that choice impossible to make. But, those are the ones that need to be made. Those are the ones that, if not made, could spell disaster. Could, but not necessarily. Not making a decision could change nothing and life will continue on in a way that makes a person regret not having made a choice.

I am not talking about a choice between a latte espresso mocha or a cappuccino espresso. I’m not talking about whether to rent “Iron Man 3” or “Rambo 3.” The choices I am referring to are much more important. Life choices would be a good term to describe them. The problem there is that we don’t always know when a decision could change the rest of our lives. As in the book “Divergent,” the blurb reads. “One choice can change your life” These decisions are even, in a way, more important, and harder, than deciding whether, or not, to go to college and which college to go to; harder than whether, or not, to marry your high school sweetheart and even harder than deciding whether to leave your hometown/home-state to pursue a better job opportunity. Why are these choices harder and more important? Because they seem small and insignificant at times even as they are hard to make.

John, a hard working construction worker, lives alone in a medium sized two bedroom apartment. He makes enough to pay the bills, have food on the table and still be able to do extra-curricular activities and save for his future. In other words, he’s not hurting for money. He has a choice to make. Jane, a secretary at the construction company he works for, needs a place to move to, reason being that her lease was up and she couldn’t afford all it takes to have her own place. She asked John if she could move in with him and pay half the bills. Simple enough decision isn’t it? Really? If John allows Jane to move in, will it stay a platonic, business arraignment or turn into a relationship between the two of them? This one little, simple choice has the possibility of changing John’s life forever, not to mention Jane’s.

Each and every day of our lives we make decisions that have the possibility of changing the rest of our lives. The above example is a fairly common situation these days. A lot of people share homes and expenses because the economy is not the best and those arraignments turn out as they seem, as roommates only. Sometimes those roommates are friends to begin with or they become friends. Sometimes the friends end up hating each other because of money problems.

Juan likes a certain person. This person is a friend of his that he has known for a long time. Over the years he has become extremely fond of her to the point of thinking that he may be in love with her. She dates and has relationships with different people; talk to him about these relationships and how much she likes this or that person. Juan sits back and wishes that she would like him as much as he does her. He has a choice: tell her how he feels and take the chance of losing a friend or that friend’s respect or leave it alone and live with unrequited love. Either way he goes it will be a life changing decision. In this case, if he tells her she could, possibly laugh at him and destroy his ego or she could say that she feels the same way and they become a couple, which could end in several different ways or continue on for a lifetime.

Let’s take the above case scenario into today’s world where same sex relationships are the topic of conversation every day.

Johnny, a bi-sexual, likes Winston, someone that he believes to be straight, but at times acts as if he could possibly be bi-sexual. Same scenario as above where Winston is going through the relationships and talking to Johnny about them. The choices are the same; the outcomes could be totally devastating to Johnny. One possible outcome if he talks to Winston is that he will be physically attacked because Winston is not open to a same-sex relationship and their friendship would be over, something that destroy Johnny. If he says nothing, it would still be unrequited love. If Winston agrees and they become a couple, Winston would still have to keep up his reputation as a ‘lady’s man’ and his relationship with Johnny would have to be a very discreet secret, one that could destroy them if found out about. What to do about this? A very hard, life changing, decision; simple yet hard and one that would not seem, at the time, to be life changing.

Susan, an eighteen year old high school graduate, has an opportunity to go to University abroad on a scholarship. She has never been away from her hometown more than a few days at a time and when she was homesickness overwhelmed her. To be educated in Europe would help her advance her life dramatically in her chosen field if she were to travel but if she studied at the local community college she would still be able to gain employment and make a moderate living in her chosen field.

Life changing decision- leave home and travel to far-away lands or stay home and not attain her potential. If she were to go to Europe she could possibly want to stay, or maybe meet her soul-mate or she could stay home and live a life of safety and mediocrity, marry her high school sweetheart, raise kids and never know what she could have become.

There are many, many examples of small choices that could impact your entire future, the above are just a few of those that encompass several different, everyday areas. I could go into things like: whether or not to get behind the wheel of a car after having just one beer, smoking that joint or not, asking out the cheer leader when you aren’t a jock, voting Democrat or Republican and the list goes on and on. Each one of these choices, these decisions, has an impact on the future. So, next time you’re standing in line at the local Starbucks, think really hard whether you want the café mocha or the triple espresso cappuccino latte, you never know how it will affect your future love life.

Who am I?

Who am I? Is what I see actually me? Or is it just a ghost, a shadow of some long forgotten existence? If I am just a shadow, who is that long forgotten entity I am the remainder of; a hero, a jester, a knight or a knave? Could I have been a king or just a peasant; maybe a mighty wizard or a lowly apprentice? No matter who or what I was, what remains of that person; the entire personality, core values, wants and needs or a mix of these things from that long forgotten man?

Who am I? I have lived before, long ago in an age of danger and enchantment. A time when sorcerers held more sway in what happened than anyone, even a king. It was a time when dragons terrorized villages and castles without regard to human life.  But, who was I? My ‘now’ is the mirror image of my past. If this is true then I was nothing more than street trash, doing what had to be done to survive, no matter the cost to ego, self or reputation. I was a beggar, a thief, a sorry shadow of a human being willing to be whatever to whomever; a consort, a stable-hand, a soldier, a spy. I was as expendable as the morning chamber-pot. But, is that what I am now? Is that all I can ever be?

Who am I? In this life, in this time, I have done whatever I needed to do to survive. I have been that beggar, that thief, stable-hand and soldier. My core values have been shredded more than once just so my family could survive. But, this is not everything. Those bygone days of yore left an indelible mark upon my soul. A mark that the gods of old branded me with so never to be released from my servitude. Zeus and Ganymede, Greek offerings, Egyptian ransoms and Roman perversions all are etched into my very soul.

So who am I? I am a monster. An ambiguous sense of being that manifests nothing but harm to others simply for the enjoyment contrived thereof. A Kraken, a dragon, a vampire, a werewolf, all together in a man’s body, disguised as a moral human only to have the monster unleash its’ unholy terror when it feels compelled to do so. I am the bane of humanity. A curse placed upon this earth for the entertainment of gods long forgotten; Odin, Hel, Freya, Loki, Thor, Heimdall and a host of others, laughing and taunting me endlessly into the night and beyond.

Instead of the question: Who am I? It should be asked: What am I? It is not feasible for an entity that is not human to be “who” but only a “what.” What I am, humanity does not recognize as being even close to human. I am a monster of such magnitude that if I were to unleash the totality of my horror the world would not survive. As it is, only a small fraction of a fraction is ever released at one time and that is more than the man can endure. The man is held captive by the monster for it needs a vessel for survival in this world.

The man tears and strains against the bonds that hold him tethered to this hideous creature, only to find that even Fenrir could not break free from these bonds. Where is Tyr? Who will place their hand in the mouth of the Wolf now? Will the man be ever a slave to the monster or will the mighty gods of the Celts save him from his fate? The norns are weaving and unweaving a life of misery, laughing at the suffering they cause. Oh, Frigg, save this mortal man, beseech the mercy of the All-Father so that the suffering might end.

When two minds are battling for one space throughout eons, weariness overcomes the weaker and the stronger beholds victory. This battle is almost at an end. The monster has risen more frequently and more forcefully as time continues. I fear that what will become of the man is nothing more than a forgotten ghost, placed among those things no longer needed or believed in. The man will fade from existence and the monster will devour his soul and the hedonistic ways of evil will prevail. Woe to those who will behold the life left. Evil will prevail with no thoughts of family or friends. Only the desires of the creature will continue. No heed will be given to harm done to anyone or anything in its quest for the whim of pleasure, both physical and mental.

I rue the day I am lost to this. The most foul of things from the darkest corners of Hades, the deepest pits of Tartarus could not contain the evil that will be set upon the earth. Neither foe, nor friend, will escape unscathed. Loved ones will turn to hate the man for all that will be done through him. They will not fathom the reason why he has turned away from good and just and right. Neither man, nor woman, will fail to catch his attention. Greek and Roman will prevail. Caligula, Augustus, Prometheus, all will bow to the deviantness of the creature.

Behold the evil within us. All have it at their beck and call. Most keep it bound tightly, never allowing it a second of freedom. Once the freedom is tasted, it lusts after all it can acquire. Lust is all it knows. Both man and woman and yet, neither. It takes nothing more than a thought to provoke this part of the monster. A thought, a scent, a sight or even a memory can bring forth the desire of physical pleasure. Not just desire, but a need most powerful; a need not to be unfulfilled. This is the hedonist in the creature. This is what will destroy the man totally.

Pleasure of the senses. Taste- only the finest mead, sound- only the most melodious of flutes, touch- naked flesh under the softest silk, sight-the most beautiful visions of man and nature and smell- only the odors of love will satiate the beast. This is what is to come of me. A man lost in a world unknown to him, yet, known.

So, who am I? Just a man. A man hoping for forgiveness from those that may be harmed by the beast within. A man that knows he cannot fight the beast another day. A man who, as much as he tried, will fall to the whims of a mirthless god.