My World, My Life, My Loves

I realize that a lot of my blog posts have been, shall we say, sappy for lack of better terminology. I apologize for this but the moods I have been have dictated where the words come from. As with all my writing, the words are not necessarily mine but the character’s or the mood’s. Therefore, what appears on paper (or on Microsoft Word) is what is going through my twisted mind. That being said, let me continue on with this post and see where it goes, shall we?

I have written about love, unrequited love, lust, soul mates, friends and lovers. All of these writings have had merit, as far as I’m concerned anyway, and each has had its own purpose. As a lot of people know, I am not a big believer in love between two people, only lust. A person can love their children, their siblings, their parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews but to love a person, forever, as a partner, I am very much inclined to disbelieve it. I just can’t believe that two people can love each other unconditionally for a lifetime as partners, significant others, husband and wife or any other way it can be said. Too often relationships end over the smallest thing, a slight misunderstanding or jealousy. A lifelong relationship just doesn’t happen anymore.

As for me, I do love certain people. I love my children more than life itself and I have friends that I would go through hell for. Lifelong relationships like that do happen. I have always, in my blogs, kept from stating names of people I care about other than my children but this one is different; I will put names to the people closest to me. I hope that these people will forgive the intrusion of their privacy.

My children, Jaquie and Michael, are my world. They are the reason I continue to suffer through this life of lost hope. The battles I have fought for them are beyond comprehension for most people. I have fought them for one reason: they are my children and I love them. I would die for my children, without a second thought. I regret that this world has become what it is while they are still growing and will have to suffer through things that I couldn’t even imagine when I was their age. I just hope that they are strong enough to survive.

My youngest children are my world. We argue. We disagree. We hate each other a lot of the time. The one thing that will always remain is that, no matter what, the love between us is stronger than anything else in the world. Through all the hardships, all the pain and all the suffering we have gone through, we are still a family and will remain a family. Jaquie has told me that I am her hero. Michael shows me every day how much he needs and loves me. What they don’t know is how much I love them and how important they are to me. Without them, I would have no reason to continue on. I would have no reason to keep fighting the fight. They are my life and love. Everything I do is because of them. I would have it no other way.

This life has been challenging to say the least, especially for the last sixteen or seventeen years. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster that most people would not survive. I’ve lost more than most people will ever have. I’ve been persecuted, prosecuted and lied about. I’ve done good things and bad. Through it all I have had my children with me and they have always loved their dad. Jaquie has given me advice, told me what to do, informed me of what I have done wrong and, more times than not, she has been right. She is her dad. She would rather hurt me with the truth than make me feel good with a lie. More than once I have had to look at her and say, “Damn it, Babe. You were right. Again.” Pisses me the hell off. I love her more than anything, more than she will ever know. For seventeen years she has been my baby and she will continue to be my baby until the end of time.

Michael, on the other hand, is my shadow. Whatever Dad is doing or whatever Dad likes is what he does and likes. He is his father’s son. Life with him has been more than a challenge. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, true childhood bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder and reactive attachment disorder. As he grows he is gaining more and more control over his problems and he is becoming a man in his own right. At fifteen he has few friends other than the friends that are mine. This is fine as the people I have around me are kind, considerate and, above all, tolerant of his behaviors that are not what most would call socially acceptable. He is my son and I will fight to the bitter end for him and he will stand up for me no matter what. That is what makes him one of the most special people in my life. My love for him knows no boundaries.

Throughout the ages I have been many things; I have had many people in my lives. The one constant is the people that have meant the most to me. Through the Celtic, Greek and Roman eras, the middle ages, the Industrial Revolution on into the present day I have had the same people with me. They may disagree, they may not believe, they may think me insane, but I do believe it because, if for no other reason, they are so important to me now. What were they in those past lives? I can only venture a guess, but as important as they are now, they were as close, if not closer, in those days gone by.

Mi Hijo, Julian. He is one of the most important people in my life that is not blood. Even though he is young, just 20 years old, he has been an advisor, sounding board, stabilizer and a voice of reason in a world of chaos. He has been my rock in a river of rapids on many occasions. With his mind, his logic, his common sense and compassion, he keeps me grounded. He will tell me if I am totally stupid or just making a mistake. I ask a lot of him; too much at times but without him I would be lost completely. He is my best friend, my son and part of the foundation of my world.

I have written about Zeus and Ganymede. I have written about social values and practices from ancient times to the present. I have spouted my theories and beliefs about what is, and isn’t, accepted behaviors within a society. My ideals about sexuality, partnerships, relationships, friends and lovers have been explained over and over. Achilles, Alexander, Leonardo, Mozart, Hitler, Churchill, and a host of others throughout history have all had one thing in common: as great a man as each was, they all had male partners in their lives. I do believe that throughout each of my past lives, Julian has been there as friend, son, partner and advisor. He has always been a part of my life. This life is no different. He has been there for many years, since he was just a wee lad, he and his twin brother. I can say without pause or embarrassment that I love him. I love him as much as I love my own children. I cannot see life without him there.

In the golden age before the Greek and Roman gods, as I have written before, I was a king. Hated and loved at the same time. I was a tyrant and demanded respect. My subjects feared and revered me. I was a god. All rulers need someone beside them. Who was the one beside me? I can only speculate that it was Julian. He and I think so much alike most of the time that I can only imagine him as someone that I could trust enough to not conspire against me. Even in this life, I trust him more than anyone. He holds the razor above my wrist and he, alone, can destroy me. That kind of trust does not come easily, nor does it come in one lifetime. He, alone, would be the one that I would entrust a kingdom to and he, alone, do I place above all others, save my children.

There are those times when mi hijo will look at me and ask, “Why do you need me?” I can only look at him and try to find the right words to let him know just how important he is and nothing seems to convey what he means to me. Throughout our lives together he has always been that way. He just doesn’t realize his importance or his worth. Even though he is young, he is older than his chronological age. His mind is so advanced that I forget just how young he is. His advice and his insight are more valuable to me than that of a man much older than myself. The only thing Julian lacks is experience in this life and if he would just tap into his past, into the Universe and sense the information from those long past days he could gain that experience without going through it in this life. Most of the advice I ask from him today pertains to my children. This is because he is just slightly older than them and understands more what they are going through and how kids these days think. But even when it is something far greater, his insight is still sought simply because of his intellect and logic. He is the Robert to my John Kennedy.

Sonya, another advisor and compatriot, is important to me. She, also, can be a voice of reason in a world of chaos. Where Julian is logic, Sonya is emotion. She keeps my roller-coaster from leaving the tracks. She, too, is young. But, youth does not always mean stupidity or lack of common sense. Youth means not having the experiences in life that will make you second guess yourself. Cynicism has not set in so deep as to make the world look completely black. Sonya looks at the world realistically yet with eyes that see the good as well as the bad. She has the balance, emotionally, that I lack because of my cynicism and depressive outlook on life.

 She has been my emotional anchor for quite some time. When things look darkest and I can only see the blackness of despair, she is there to light the way. Being a Wiccan, she is also my ‘psychic’ advisor. I have never liked the term ‘psychic’ as that denotes a fraud and she is not a fraud. The Tarot and runes never lie, it’s just how you interpret them and she has rarely been wrong. She has been there through some of my darkest days and helped me through some of my lowest times.

As with Julian, there has been a lot asked of her. Not once has she complained or balked at my requests. She has told me when I was stupid and when I needed to wait for things instead of rushing in head first. Where Julian is my rock, Sonya is the rope that keeps me there. She can bring a smile when all I want to do is bitch and moan and then make me see the folly of my misery. There are times I would like to tell her to go kick rocks with what she is telling me but I know that she is right. That is what makes a good advisor and a great friend; someone who will not always tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear.

While Julian has always been the one beside me, Sonya has always been the one in the shadows, quietly giving her input where needed. This is not in any way downgrading her importance. Every great man has had a strong woman somewhere in his life to make him the great one he is. Sonya has been that woman. Never being anything more than friend and advisor but still more important than any other woman has ever been and I cannot see life without her.

Honesty and integrity, two of the most important aspects in any relationship, are what keeps these two in the top two spots on my list. I could leave a million dollars cash money on the table and leave knowing that it would all be there when I came back, no matter how long it took, as long as Julian and Sonya were there. That is what has made them both so important throughout history with me. These two people cannot be replaced by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Without their minds, their hearts, their love and devotion I would not be half the man I am. They have made me what and who I am and it has taken a multitude of lives to form me. It has taken many lives to make me into the person I am and I owe it all to Julian and Sonya. I will forever be grateful to them for what all they have done, are doing and, hopefully, will continue to do.

This is my world. This is my family. These are the most important people in my life. I know that Julian would say that I forgot one; that his brother should be in here also. Josh is in here, always. He has his reasons for being absent from my everyday life and I accept those reasons. This does not mean that I think less of him. He is Julian’s twin. He was my number one Mexican until he was forced to be absent by circumstances beyond his control. I will always love him and he will always be a major factor in my life. It is only that he will be at a distance for most of the time. When he does come around, and he does occasionally, I am extremely happy. I miss him and wish he were here more but that cannot be at this time. He will return and I will write about him. But not right now. There are others that have been in my life that I know have been part of my past; Jesse and Brian for example. They are not part of my life at this time so I don’t speak of them often and they are not as important at this time. They have been, though. That will be another story altogether and is not part of this one.

I will never back down and I will never back away. I will fight the fight and win the day for this family of mine as I know they would for me. I love them more than they could possibly know. They get upset at me, they hate when I keep telling them how much I love them and they berate me for a lot of things I do and say. But they, at the end of the day, know that I am right and that all I am doing is being the best I can be. Without Jaquie, Michael, Julian and Sonya I would not survive anything. I would lose the fight simply because I would have no reason to fight it. They are all I am.