Is It Really Worth It?

     Is it really worth it? I mean, really? In today’s society where being offended is more important than keeping safe, where madness and chaos rule and sanity and calm are persecuted, where caring about another is looked down upon and hedonism is cherished, is it really, really worth it? Is love just something to be taken advantage of because it shows weakness?

     Ok, we have the liberals that are doing everything they can to destroy the Constitution, except the parts that they want for themselves (conservatives aren’t allowed any rights). They want to do away with freedom of religion (at least the right to practice Christianity), free speech (as long as it comes from conservatives), the right to keep and bear arms (except for law enforcement and their army of security people), protection from illegal search and seizure (except when it comes to their illegal activity which is totally within their rights to do, such as Hillary’s email server). Do you see where this is going?

     The problem is this; the conservatives aren’t doing a damn thing about what the liberals are doing. The Republicans in Congress sit back and cower, kowtowing to the liberal rants and giving them ground instead of standing up and fighting for our rights. Thank the gods of Asgard that Patton, McArthur, Washington, etc., all the great generals in each war we’ve been in since the American Revolution, wasn’t so fucking weak. We would have lost to the British, twice; we would have lost to the Mexicans, the Germans, the Viet Cong (oh, sorry, we DID lose to the Viet Cong). We are losing to the liberal left.

     We are sitting here, spending millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars on bogus investigations against Trump when the Clinton’s and Obama were given passes on all their crimes that COULD be proven. It is only allegations, rumor, mainstream media bias and a lot of ‘anonymous sources’ that are against Trump and Company. Yet, the Republicans are doing just what the liberals want – going along with their game against America.

     Is it really worth it? When actual crimes can be overlooked because they are committed by the liberals and rumored crimes are investigated beyond belief against a conservative it is beyond stupid. It is anti-American politics. It isn’t worth it anymore.

Facebook posts being deleted when they are anti-Muslim (actually anti-ISIS). Is it wrong to put out there what the fucking bastards are doing? Is it wrong to state facts that not all Muslims are terrorists but most terrorists are Muslim? Is it wrong to be wary of ‘refugees’ from ISIS controlled countries?

     I am not politically correct in any way, shape or form. I call a spade a spade and a terrorist a terrorist. I’m not racist or anti-gay. That being said, if you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. If words hurt you so bad go live in a bloody monastery. I will not, under ANY circumstances give up my right to free speech because of your feelings. No one bothered about my feelings when I was growing up and I learned to live with it all. If you don’t get your precious little feelings hurt then you don’t grow and learn other’s viewpoints. All you do, if you won’t let anyone hurt your feelings, is live in a bubble and don’t get a thick enough skin to survive this journey we call life.

     Is it really worth it? Stupidity and idiocy run amok while common sense and intelligence is ridiculed and persecuted. All you have to do is turn on CNN, MSNBC, Fox; read the New York Times, Washington Post, Oregonian or even the Des Moines Register; watch NBC, CBS or ABC.       Here in the United States it is getting worse and worse with the open arms policy of protecting criminal illegal aliens but in Europe it is so much more dangerous with their government’s open arms policies. The peace-loving citizens of the world are allowing the terror inducing RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISTS to just take over. They have said for decades that the world would become Islamic. They were right and every other religion, ideology, form of government, etc., are ALLOWING IT AND EVEN INVITING IT.

     Is it really worth it? As an over the road driver I see a LOT of stupid. Never underestimate the stupidity of people behind the wheel of a vehicle. Construction zones where it bottlenecks into one lane is a prime example: people will run up the lane that is ending at full throttle until the lane ends then stops all traffic just to get into the open lane. Three miles back there was a sign that informed traffic what was happening; doesn’t matter: gotta get in front of everyone else. There are also those idiots that just have to get in front of that truck, no matter what traffic laws they break to do it, just to slow that truck down. Where did these people learn to drive???? Stupid, stupid, stupid…. Idiotic, idiotic, idiotic. All because of some undeserved sense of self-worth that makes some think they are more important than everyone else.

     Is it all worth it? We elect politicians to represent us in government. That is the way the Founding Fathers set up this experimental government. Over the years these politicians have learned that they are above any laws they pass. All they have to do is state in said law that Congress is exempt. REALLY? Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Our elected officials have become absolutely corrupted. Once again, listen to the ‘news’ on the radio or television or read the ‘news’papers. When we get someone in office that is NOT a politician, the politicos do everything they can to destroy that person because he is NOT corrupted by politics. He may be corrupted by wealth and business but not politics.

     Is it all worth it? I have been called racist, fascist, bigoted, homophobic, islamaphobic, and a host of other things that really don’t describe me. I AM racist; I’ve gotten to hate the HUMAN RACE. As for hating any nationality, religion, color, creed, etc., nah. I love my black boys that call me dad. I love my Russian/Ukrainian boys that call me dad; I have friends that are Mexican, Puerto Rican, Guatemalan, Korean, English, Welsh, Malaysian, Australian, etc. I have known Palestinians, Catholics, Jews, Pentecostals, Presbyterians, Methodists, Hindus, atheists, Pagans, heathens, etc. Yep! I’m a racist.

     Fascist? According to the Oxford American dictionary, the definition of fascism is: 1) a right-wing system of government with extreme nationalistic beliefs. 2) an attitude that is very intolerant or right-wing. Well, I guess they have the ‘right-wing’ and ‘nationalistic’ parts of it right. I have noticed, though, that it is the left that has become very intolerant. I, myself, have been very tolerant of the liberal rants against the Trump Train, albeit with my own comments following said rants.

     I am not even going to go any further with explaining myself or my beliefs. It doesn’t really matter to anyone anyway. Suffice it to say that I am NOT what the left thinks I am.

     So, I ask: Is it all worth it? Is this journey through life worth all the bullshit that the human race piles upon each other? Is it worth the lies, deceit, corruption, greed, etc.? Is it worth all the protests against free speech, owning weapons? Is it worth it to fight against open borders, extreme tax and spend, taking from those that earn and giving to those that refuse to work? There are times that I definitely feel like putting the bottle to my head and pulling the trigger. Is it really worth it?

     There are a few things that I have in my life that make all the bullshit worth every minute: my children (Jennifer, Andrew, Jaquie, Michael), my grandkids (Destiny, Ryan, Oktober, Nova), my ‘adopted’ kids (Travon, Malcolm, Max, Misha, Julian, Josh), even my ‘adopted’ grandkids (Alex, Danny, the Bentley’s, Tucker, Lorelei, and a few others that I claim that belong to friends). I even happen to have a few friends that make it all worth it (actually too many to list, amazingly enough).        Things don’t make life worth living, things make life easier. Family, friends, loved ones are what make life worth living. Even though friends may come and go and family my disown you, it is the camaraderie, the love, the sharing of special moments with those people that make even the shortest time seem like a lifetime. Each person comes into your life for a short time and for a special reason only to leave when their time with you is up. Still, that is what makes it all worth it.

     So, is it really worth it? In a word: yes.

Do We Really Control Our Own Destiny?

     There comes a time in everyone’s life when it is necessary to look back and consider all that has happened, both good and bad. It is then that we decide whether the good, or bad, out-weighs the other. If the good out-weighs the bad, then we have lived a good life and if the opposite, then our life has been less than exceptional. It is never too late to change how one’s life ends up as long as one is breathing. As Sherrilyn Kenyon said – “We are all writers of our lives. We can make our lives comedies or tragedies.” We have the control over our destinies. The Fates may weave, and unweave, our lives but we, alone, control our own destiny in a way that the Fates cannot change.

     It is true that there are certain things that occur in our lives that we cannot change, no matter how hard we try. The people we meet, the places we end up in and the end of our lives are all things that we cannot change, no matter what we do. The ins and outs of everyday life are what we control and that is where we make the difference. Our free will, our stupidity, is what makes our life good or bad. It isn’t the Fates that tell the criminal to rob or kill. It isn’t the Fates that tell the average person to decide to smoke that joint or snort that line. It is, however, the Fates that tell that person to love this man/woman, enter the military or to go to school to learn more. That is how they weave our lives. That is how, when in the end days, they unweave those lives.

     When our lives come to an end, and there is no changing that time, it is our decisions that determine how our life is ended. If we have lived a good life, did not break the law, did not do drugs or smoke or drink, then maybe it was the decision to go skiing on a dangerous mountain or to bungee jump or fly in a plane that is destined to crash. How we die is our choice, when we die is the decision of the Fates. It is the time from birth to that time of death that we control more than the Fates do. We make the day to day decisions that affect our lives, not the Fates.

     The ones that we fall in love with, what we end up doing for society and the people of the world, whether we are rich or poor, all these things are outside our influence. I know that there are those that will say everything that happens in our lives are our choices and, by and large, they are but there are those things that, no matter what we do, we have absolutely no control over. That is where our lives become a struggle; we fight what the Fates have set in stone for us. Even if we are doing what we think is best or what we want, if it is not in sync with our destiny, it becomes a chore. We may be having fun, we may think that we are happy, but it gets to where we sink deeper into an unconscious depression that will eat at us until we change course and get on the right path. This is where those that will say we choose our destinies are wrong because, even though we choose our day to day destinies, our life destinies are not ours to control.

     Whether you call it the Fates, the Norns or some other name, it is them that control our lives. We cannot fight what is already set in motion. You can beg the gods for whatever you desire from riches to lovers to whatever and if it is not in line with what the Fates have in store for you, it will not be yours. You may get that parking space you want on a daily basis, you may go to a place you don’t want to because that is what is on your mind, you may even win small amounts from the lottery if you believe hard enough but when it comes to the big stuff, making life changes, you may as well try telling your bedroom wall to move over a foot under its own power.

     I realize that I repeat a lot of what I say. This is not always intentional but there are those times that I do it for a reason. There are times that repetition is needed to get a point across well enough to be retained by the reader or listener. So if you don’t like the way I write, then read someone else’s blog. I don’t try to change people’s minds; I try to get people to look at things from a different angle, a different point of view. In other words, I try to get people to look at the world through open eyes and an open mind instead of a very narrow view and a closed mind. I hope I did my job.

You're There for a Reason - Good or Bad

     There are people that will come into our lives at times that are there for one purpose or another. Actually, everyone comes into a person’s life for one reason or another. Whether it be for good, bad or indifferent, there is always a reason. Some are there for a very short time, others for longer and still others for a lifetime. There are, also, those that come into someone’s life to disappear then reappear later, sometimes weeks, months or even years. They, too, have a reason for being there, especially if it is a second or even third time.

     Most people, when they leave someone’s life, will give a reason. It could be that they were angry, disrespected, abused, following the crowd or otherwise influenced to leave. There is always a reason for them leaving. It could be that their job was done, whatever their job was at the time. Drifting apart is another reason. Over time people will follow their own paths that take them away. Through it all, though, the reason for them leaving is always pretty clear to both parties, most of the time.

     Then, there are those that leave for apparently no reason what-so-ever, or so it seems. They will say that nothing is wrong, they are vague about the whole thing or that they just want to do their own thing. All the while, the person left behind knows that there is more to the story than what is being said. Does it matter? Not in the least. You can’t control anyone but yourself and you definitely cannot control the actions, thoughts or emotions of another. If someone leaves your life without an obvious reason and they won’t let you know why, then it is on them. They don’t owe you anything.

     Let’s say that you have had a friend for years, even decades, that suddenly disappears from your life. What goes through your mind; what did I do, why are they gone, what can I do to get them back? All these questions and more usually go through the mind of the one left standing alone. You can try to find out but it won’t do any good, especially if the one that left doesn’t want to tell you. As for trying to get them back into your life, might as well try to talk the wall into moving over six inches under its own power. The more you try, the farther that person will move away from you.

     What makes it so bad is if that friend was someone really close to you, someone that you trusted with everything, and now won’t even try to talk to you about what is wrong with the relationship. When they will tell you things haven’t changed, nothing is wrong, they just want to do other things, you just can’t get the real reason out of them. They don’t want to tell you and they won’t. There is nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t matter how close you were, you aren’t anymore and the reason behind it is irrelevant. If they wanted you to know why they left you and the friendship behind, they would tell you. Is it fair? No, but no one said life was fair. Fair is something you pay a cabbie for a ride. Fair is somewhere you go to eat cotton candy and step in monkey poop. Fair has nothing to do with life.

     You are the master of your own destiny. As mi hijo always says, “Don’t let someone else control your life.” The only problem with that statement, that utterance of wisdom, is that when a person cares about someone, really cares, that person does control their emotions to a point. Only Spock can detach himself from all emotion and look at things totally logically. Oh, to be able to detach from emotion. Wouldn’t that be the way to go? If a person could be emotionally detached from everyone, what would they be like? Psychiatrists, therapists, human services workers, clergymen and even law enforcement would say that an emotionally detached person was mentally unstable. How could anyone not have emotions toward their fellow human beings?  The only problem with all those professionals is that they, themselves, are actually emotionally detached from humanity. They have to be to do their jobs, except for the clergy, they have to love everyone in a non-committal, platonic way unless you are an altar boy in the Catholic Church.

     When a couple get divorced after years, or decades, of marriage, who is the loser? There are always winners and losers. Unless it is a consensual parting, one party is usually devastated while the other goes out and parties their nights away having a great time. In this scenario, one is totally unhappy with the other for some reason only known to the hurt party. Let’s say Bob and Joyce have been together for thirty years. One day, Joyce comes into the kitchen while Bob is just leaving to his job and tells him that she is through, he will be hearing from her lawyer. Bob stutters and asks why she’s leaving and all she says is that she isn’t happy. Really? It took her thirty years to figure that out. Amazing. Bob is devastated because he didn’t know they were having problems and Joyce gets the house, the BMW, the kids, alimony and child support. Bob gets the shaft on top of his emotional distress. Joyce doesn’t understand why he’s upset in the least.

     Two friends, let’s say, Bill and Tom, have been friends for a long time, maybe since childhood. They do everything together and are best buds. They have shared their hopes and dreams, conquests and defeats and know as much about each other as two people can. One day, out of the blue, Tom just leaves. He doesn’t call or come by, when asked to hang out he’s got other things to do and refuses to give a reason. All he says is there is nothing wrong, he is doing other things and he is starting a new stage in his life. He’ll tell Bill he’ll stop by then doesn’t with the reason that he got distracted. He will tell Bill that he isn’t doing something anymore then goes out with others to do just that thing. Tom will hang out and do things with anyone but Bill. If Bill does see him, he has to go where Tom is working or otherwise tied down just to be able to talk to him in person. Is there a problem here? Of course there is. Will Tom let Bill know? Of course he won’t. Nothing is wrong, nothing has changed and everything is hunky-dorey, ok, fine, good. Bill knows differently but what can he do about it? Not a thing. Until Tom is ready to let the cat out of the bag and tell Bill what the problem is, Bill will be in the dark and hurting over the whole thing. And Tom will be sitting there wondering why Bill is devastated and not keeping on keeping on with his life like nothing has happened.

     This comes back to that emotional detachment. Joyce and Tom are emotionally detached from Bob and Bill. They couldn’t care less about what they are doing, or have done, to their significant other and friend. They can’t understand why the others don’t live their life as they always have despite the fact that an important part of their lives just disappeared without a reason or warning. Of course Joyce and Tom are happy, they knew what was coming, they know the reasons behind the actions and it doesn’t bother them one iota how the affected parties are hurt. They just don’t care; emotional detachment from humanity. Is that mental instability? Not really in these scenarios. It happens every day in every town in every state in every country. But, put someone out there that is emotionally detached from the beginning and that is something to worry about.

     So what does this have to do with a person coming into your life for a reason? Everything. Joyce came into Bob’s life, spent thirty years giving him support to succeed at his job, gave him children to carry on the bloodline and gave him someone to love. Tom was in Bill’s life to be a confidante, a partner-in-crime so to speak and someone that was there when no one else was when he needed someone the most. Why did they leave? Who knows? Was their job done that the gods and fates had for them? Only the gods and fates know that. Time heals all wounds as the old adage goes and after a time the pain turns to a dull ache and the longing turns into a distant memory. A lesson may have been learned or maybe the hurt party just turned into themselves and left humanity behind and became that emotionally detached psycho that the professionals worry about. It all depends on how emotionally attached they were to the ones that left. Some people never recover from a loss, others recover quite quickly. The bond between the two is the deciding factor. Or, maybe I should say the bond one felt for the other whether it was returned or not.

     Some would say that Bob and Bill would play the ‘pity-me’ card if they talked about their loss a lot. It isn’t that they would want pity. That would be downgrading to them. Not that there aren’t those that want people to pity them but most times it isn’t pity but understanding that the hurt party wants. They want to understand what happened and why. They want to know what happened between them and they are hoping that someone can give them some kind of answers. They are still completely attached to the one that left until those answers come; until they can understand the loss. Until that time, the emptiness in their souls cry out in agony, demanding attention and logic does not come into the equation like is has for the ones that left. To them it was only logical to do what they did and their emotional detachment won’t let them think any more about it and the hurt party is in the wrong for ‘clinging’ or not accepting what happened.

     The two most opposite things in the world are logic and emotion. Unlike love and hate, which are almost the same thing, logic and emotion are on the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum. It takes both to be a well-rounded human being but it is almost impossible for the two to work in tandem for most people. Any scenario is either a logical one or an emotional one with one of two outcomes. It will either work out or someone will be destroyed because of what is happening. If you find yourself in a situation such as this, don’t be the emotionally detached automaton, let the other one know why, give reasons not excuses. It could save a life.

The World of Today and Other Musings About My Life

From the beginnings of time it has been this way. Greed, envy, jealousy, treachery and betrayal have ruled over humanity. The egotism and arrogance of man has always been the driving force of humankind. As technology increases and as more and more people populate the Earth these emotions also increase and become more and more prevalent. People want what they can’t have and/or don’t need and will do anything to get those things. Common courtesy and common sense are far from common in this day and age as more and more people think only of themselves and what they want. The most common way of thinking and behaving is hedonistic. If someone does think of others before him/herself or goes out of their way to help another it is looked upon as something that should be taken advantage of or even outlawed.

When it comes to matters of the heart the same rules apply. It doesn’t matter how much a person cares about another, how much has been invested into a relationship or how much one leaving could destroy the other, it takes nothing for a relationship to end other than one thinks he/she has been wronged and/or someone else seems to be better than the one you have. To use a very old cliché – The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The problem with that is it only appears to be greener for a short time then it fades to the same as what was before. This is the age of instant gratification and throw-a-aways. We have become so enlightened that nothing is right unless it follows a rigid standard that only the one thinking it knows exactly what that standard is.

Throughout history and throughout nature nothing is either right or wrong but the thinking makes it so and survival of the fittest. In today’s world it is everything is wrong unless it follows a strict path of the ‘norm’ and the strongest are forced to care for the weakest. Public opinion rule the actions of the individual to the point that no one is actually happy or even content and most actually live in a constant state of fear whether they realize it or not. Fear that someone will look down on them, fear that they will get into trouble for something, fear that they won’t be able to survive another day and so on.

Up until the advent of Christianity, the human race believed ‘if it feels good do it as long as no one gets hurt.’ Paganism believes ‘do as you will but harm none.’ Politicians and clergymen today preach tolerance and empathy while condemning and ridiculing those that don’t believe the way they do. They do as much harm as they can to anyone that doesn’t believe the way they do and the gods forbid that anyone should actually be totally happy living the way they want as long as they don’t bother anyone else. Everyone, it seems, must judge those that don’t think or feel the way everyone else does. Most are jealous of anyone else’s happiness and must take it away.

This attitude continues onto the highways and byways of America. Every day people in the cars prove that stupidity reigns supreme. A person will break any and all laws they have to just to get one car length farther ahead or to pass that semi-truck. Gods forbid that anyone, even one that can kill you because of your stupidity, get ahead of you or stay in front of you because you have nowhere to be and you have to get there first. Gods forbid that the truck that feeds America should be allowed to continue on his way to his destination without being harassed, cut off, slowed down or in some other way hindered from doing a thankless job for the masses that want what they don’t need.

I, myself, am against any illegal drug use. That being said, I can understand why all these kids seems to gravitate toward smoking week and indulging in other hallucinogenic and other mind altering drug use. They can’t cope with all the idiocy going on around them. Everything that they could do to have fun is against the law. They can’t congregate in a public place because they are doing something that ‘might’ be illegal. They can’t go to parks after a certain hour because those publicly owned parks close. They can’t go to parking lots to skateboard or ride their bicycles because they ‘might’ be doing something illegal. They can’t ‘scoop the loop’ because they are doing something illegal. All the time the justice system has become the crowning glory of corruption and doing the same thing that they incarcerate people for. Should weed be made legal? I think so simply because it is no worse than alcohol as long as it is regulated the same as alcohol. Even though alcohol can damage a person’s liver and brain function and can become addictive, other harder drugs should not be legalized. Maybe cocaine should. It used to be. In small quantities it is a pain reliever and was, at one time, used as such and is no more addictive than any of the legal pain relievers put out by the pharmaceutical companies now that are endorsed by the FDA.

Let’s revisit an old friend shall we? Let’s take a look at relationships. For millennia it was common for people to love and partner with whomever. It didn’t matter the sex or the age. Granted, before the advent of modern day enlightenment, children were much more mature at a much younger age. As much information that is crammed down the throats of today’s youth, they do not mature nearly as fast as they did even a hundred years ago. They seem to be ‘children’ much longer, sometimes into their twenties. In ancient Greece and Rome, in Europe during the Middle Ages, across the globe throughout history people loved who they wanted without being judged or condemned. Since our great Enlightenment of the Twentieth Century this has all gone by the wayside. Now, in today’s world that is full of self-centered, egotistical, arrogant, judgmental chanty wrasslers, you have to have a relationship only with a certain age group and sex. There are no more concubines or squires, only in the Catholic church where the altar boys seem to be the ‘target’ and ‘victim’ of those nasty people called priests that lead the people to Heaven by making them pay for their tickets by way of ‘donating’ to the church.

Up until the Great Enlightenment, people worked to keep their relationships together. Every couple has problems. Every pair have disagreements. The difference between then and now is that now, when something doesn’t suit you, you throw the relationship away instead of making it work. The Royals still have their ‘flings’ because that is the way it has been for centuries. Only Charles and Dianna actually broke tradition and Dianna died because of it. Kings have had wives and squires since the beginning of civilization. Bed warmers, ‘boy-toys,’ lovers and companions, there are as many ways to describe these partners as there are people. The majority of highly intelligent beings have had same-sex lovers since before recorded history. These same intellectuals had more than one lover of the opposite sex. These have been men, and women, such as Madame Curie, Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, J. Edgar Hoover, Oscar Wilde and Abraham Lincoln just to name a few. Today, even though the government in the United Social States of America has passed laws for it, same sex relationships are condemned as wrong because of one thing – the Christian church says it is. That is the ONLY reason.

Since the advent of Christianity we have had rules and laws and ways of thinking crammed down our throats. If you don’t think this way, if you don’t act that way, if you don’t believe this and that you are going to suffer an eternity of torment. Today’s laws are based on Christian belief. Why? What makes one belief so much better than another? Why is this one religion the only ‘right’ one? Christianity was born two thousand years ago in the middle of nowhere. It forced its way into the lives of everyone whether they wanted it or not. Wars have been fought and millions killed because of it. It is the only religion that forces itself into the lives of everyone. Paganism believes in tolerance and peace. Greek and Roman ‘mythology’ had their gods that controlled everything but they didn’t force their beliefs on anyone. So why is Christianity the ONLY correct religion? Because that is what those in control wanted. The best form of control over a people is fear and by god the Bible put fear into the people’s hearts and minds.

The biggest fear that Christianity put into the people was the fear of loving another person unconditionally no matter who that person was. A Christian puts God above all others, then your spouse, then your children and then your country. That is not the natural way of being. To be human, to be happy, to be real, is to love that special someone, no matter who or what they are, unconditionally above all others. True happiness comes from loving and being loved without restraint or condemnation. It doesn’t matter if that someone is the opposite sex or the same sex. It doesn’t matter if that someone is the same age or there are years between you. Nature, in all its fantastic omniscient glory knows this. Humanity has its own agenda and that is control over everyone else and to force an unnatural way of thinking into all those that would be happy being who they are.

 In today’s world, as cruel and crazy as it is, people are more interested in their own pleasure to worry about what they are doing to anyone else. The hedonistic way of thinking is the norm. “I’m gonna be with you, swear my undying love and loyalty, until the ends of the earth. That is until I find someone that can give me more or you piss me off.” Love and loyalty are things of the past. There is no loyalty nor is there commitment on a long term scale. It is all temporary. Thank you to the powers that be for that, whatever or whomever those powers are. Friendships are there only until another catches your fancy. Lovers are there only until another seems to be better. Family is only there to take from. All a relationship is, whether family, friend or lover, to anyone is what they can get out of it and when the giving is not up to their expectations, the relationship is over.

For some, the unlucky ones, the heart is broken into a thousand pieces over and over because they know that the only happiness is truly loving someone and giving their all to that person, even when that person doesn’t deserve it. The person that gives their all, goes out of their way to be the person they know they should be, is the one that is kicked and abused and taken advantage of by the hedonistic asshole. The good guy comes in a distant third. Does this make them bad? No. It makes them a victim of their own making just because they want a better world; a world that the gods and nature intended. This could be a Garden of Eden but humanity has made it a living Hell. No one can believe in the ultimate good in people and still come out on even ground. Why? Because there is no ultimate good in people anymore. If there is, they have it buried so far down that it will never see the light of day unless it will get them something they want.

Lies, deceit and betrayal are the norm today. People will tell you they love you, that you are their friend, then go to another and downgrade you and betray your secrets that you thought were safe. You put everything into that relationship just have it be thrown back into your face and your heart torn out because they can’t be bothered to even talk to you anymore unless you go to them personally to talk. They don’t come by ‘just because’ any more and actually avoid you if at all possible. Yet, they will say, “Nothing is wrong. Nothing has changed.” Why? Because they may be able to use you again if they keep you half way happy with their bull shit. That is the way things are today.

For every cloud there is supposed to be a silver lining. If this were true, then all the victims that have been tortured by their own hearts would end up happily ever after living the life they dreamed of. As it is, those are the ones that end up alone and bitter because they finally realize that this world is alien to them and their way of life; a life of caring, a life of commitment and a life of loyalty. That kind of living is a thing of the distant past thanks to the greed and treachery of the attitude of give-me and ‘take what I can and give nothing in return.’ There is no silver lining and those clouds, well, they are the worst storm ever to be set upon the face of the Earth and there is nowhere to hide from that storm if you are ‘the good guy’ that is trying to live the way nature intended.

I write a lot about relationships and people in general. My viewpoints are solidly explained, I think. A person might wonder, though, exactly where I am in my own life that I write such dribble about things that normally would be written by some sappy advice columnist in the daily paper. Each of my posts, each time I write, every letter and every word that comes out is from my own life. You only have to actually read the words, put the sentences together and look upon the story with an open mind instead of a closed, judgmental mindset to fully understand what I say. The only thing that I will not do is put anything down that is so personal as to be harmful to anyone. I have done that one time and will not do it again unless I feel the need to. The people that are my most prized companions, my children and my comrades-in-arms, I will protect above all else. I will write about things without specifics when it comes to these people but that is as close as I will come. Just realize that every bit of ‘wisdom’ that comes out of my twisted mind is from experience and, in the words of the great Sherrilyn Kenyon, “Most good judgement comes from experience, most experience comes from bad judgment” 

I have cared about a lot of people throughout my life, people that wouldn’t pish down my throat if I were dying of thirst. Almost everyone that I have ever gone out of my way to help has turned on me in one way or another. Yet, here I am, still wearing that open heart on my sleeve for all to see that I am open for abuse and to be taken advantage of. I am that victim of my own making because I am that person that will do for others before himself. I am that person that believes it doesn’t matter who the other one is as long as the love between you is honest and loyal and committed (although I must state that I am STILL waiting for that call from Halle Berry). I am that one that has been betrayed, lied about, persecuted, used and ridiculed. I am the one that has become a victim of my own making because I have always believed in the ultimate good in people.

I have loved with everything that is in me to have that thrown back in my face and left alone in the empty desert of emotional devastation. Even today, knowing what I have been through in the past, I will still reach out to help the underdog, I will still give my heart to someone that I believe is worthy. My world is built around my children but there are those that I love more than life itself that I will venture into the deepest pits of Tartarus for even though they don’t return that to me. Age and sex have nothing to do with the emotional make-up of a person. The people that are the most important to me are just that, important, and it doesn’t matter where they put me in their lives. I have to let them be who they are, let them do what they must because they think that is what they want. It doesn’t matter that I can see the folly of their ways and where it is leading and I have rarely been wrong in my assumptions on these things. The important thing for them to know is that no matter what, no matter where they go or what they do, they are always welcomed home and I await the day they realize what they have thrown away for that day of fun that will end in their own hearts being broken.

This has been my life. Caring and having my heart ripped out through my throat, gutted and left for dead along a lonely stretch of backroad. It has been my own doing as I have always pushed those closest to me away. Unconscious fear of being too close, needed too much, having someone know me that well must be the reasoning behind it but I have realized, well too late, that there is that time that the loneliness overwhelms the soul and only one person can fill the empty space left dark until a light is turned on by that special someone. I have thought several times that I had found my soul-mate just to find that they were nothing more than a façade and a falsehood. But, years spent and countless hours of being together makes one look at something differently. It’s like the boy and girl that have been best friends since childhood and finally realize after high school that they are really in love with each other.

If you look at someone, honestly, and see their inner soul, that thing that makes them who they are, that is when you know whether they are good or bad for you. Some will turn a blind eye to the bad, to the abuse, to the hedonistic attitude and the fact that this person is actually just using you because you have a loyalty to them simply because you have known them since childhood. Once again in the words of the great Sherrilyn Kenyon, “The depth and strength of our character is defined by our moral code. People only reveal themselves when they're thrown out of the usual conditions of their lives. That's when the truth of who they are is revealed...” I have been there. I have put loyalty and faith in some that showed a façade of caring only to find that they were simply low-life baw-jawers out to get what they could from me. Most of these are no longer in my life though I still care about them. Some no longer live anywhere near me but I still wish them great success in their lives. Some even want to come back but I am more than disinclined to acquiesce to their requests simply because, even though I still care, they do not have the trust they once had from me.

Some would say I am pulling the 'pity-me' card. If pouring forth what is rampaging through my twisted mind and entertaining thoughts of how my emotions are in turmoil is asking anyone for pity, then so be it. That is not what I intend. Then again, intentions don't matter. It is what is perceived by the audience that matters and if my readers think I am asking for pity, I now ask for their understanding that it is not pity I ask for. This is only my venue of releasing the pent up emotions that torment my mind and heart on a daily basis. These are my rants and ravings. I write of these so if there may be someone out there going through something similar, they know they are not alone, that there is someone else that wears the same mantle as they. When there is emptiness in the soul, when loneliness fills the nights, the thought that there are others inflicted with the same torment, it somehow comforts the mind if only in some small way. That is all that my intentions are, nothing more. If there is more to what I have to say, if what I write is actually a subtle way of informing any specific person, I will let that person know as I have in the past. Until then, my dear readers, enjoy the literary trash that spews forth from my keyboard and if I can help you get through some tragedy in your life, some hurt that you are going through, then I have done something worthwhile.

Is Loneliness My Fate?

Once again I find myself contemplating my existence in this life. I will soon be fifty three years old, yet my mind believes I am no older than twenty one. I wonder where the years have gone and what, exactly, I have accomplished in all those years that are hidden from my timeline. Did I move through some black-hole or time-warp through decades of life without stopping long enough for those years to implant their images into my memories?

I remember John F. Kennedy, Jr. saluting his father’s casket in 1963, the Watergate hearing in 1972 or 1973, watching Star Wars and Star Trek The Motion Picture in the early 80’s and George HW Bush waging his three day war on Iraq in 1990. I remember the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center and the whole nation coming together for the first time since Kennedy’s assassination. I also remember the first multi-racial man and first woman to run for President of the United States with the black man winning. These things are all memorable to anyone in this country that is over the age of fifty.

Personally, I remember getting married at twenty and divorced at twenty two with a baby on the way. No, it wasn’t because of baby. I was living in Arizona and she was in Iowa. I didn’t even know about baby until after she was born. I remember getting married again and adopting a great five year old boy and then getting divorced three years later. The third marriage was just as successful. We were together about ten years and out of that came my two youngest. So much for relationships and me; I couldn’t keep someone in my life forever any more than I can travel to the stars and back in a single day.

As Pat Nixon said about her husband, Richard M. Nixon, after he had passed from this life to the next, “He was a man bent on self-destruction.” I believe that I, too, am bent on the same. It seems that no matter what I do, where I go, who I know or how hard I try my lot in life is to fail. The one time that I thought that I was doing well, my bookkeeper asked me, after finishing up my yearly books, if I knew how much I had made. I replied that I had no idea. Fifty Thousand Dollars was the total. You know what I had to show for it? Nothing, nada, nil. Where did all that money go? My dear, sweet wife had spent it all.

A few years ago my misfortune once again reared its’ ugly head and my home caught fire and I lost everything that I had worked for, everything that meant anything to me. I realize that people lose their homes to fire all the time across this blue planet and I am not alone in losing everything for one reason or another. What makes this so bad is that there was no one willing to help my family out, other than my neighbor that took us in until we could find somewhere else to live. Finally the insurance company decided that the house was a total loss and asked me what I wanted to do. I could have the house rebuilt for about two hundred ninety thousand dollars and I would have a1900 remodeled house or I could take their estimate of one hundred twenty thousand and buy something else. I took the latter. I, also, was reimbursed for personal belongings in the sum of fifty thousand dollars, which, at replacement value of things I could replace, was around eighty thousand (and that was not everything as I wasn’t allowed in the house to inventory while the investigation was going on but thieves were and a lot of things were stolen).

So, here I am with one hundred seventy thousand dollars to do with as I pleased. I paid off the mortgage on my home and bought another one valued at one hundred twenty thousand for half price (it was a repo) and replaced a lot of what I had lost. All total I spent about one hundred thirty thousand on both houses and replacing furniture, clothes and personal belongings. The rest was wasted on people that took advantage of my good nature. I ended up selling the house, at a loss, because I couldn’t afford the taxes. Once again, the cruel hand of fate laid waste to a wonderful life.

It is not the financial losses that are my bane, though. It is the feelings of being alone in a world out against me. My children, may the gods of Valhalla bless them, are here with me and I do have a few friends that I would go through the deepest, darkest pits of Tartarus for. So, why do I feel so alone? Am I destined to live a life of loneliness simply because I am who I am, a man bent on self-destruction? Only the gods know for sure.