You're There for a Reason - Good or Bad

     There are people that will come into our lives at times that are there for one purpose or another. Actually, everyone comes into a person’s life for one reason or another. Whether it be for good, bad or indifferent, there is always a reason. Some are there for a very short time, others for longer and still others for a lifetime. There are, also, those that come into someone’s life to disappear then reappear later, sometimes weeks, months or even years. They, too, have a reason for being there, especially if it is a second or even third time.

     Most people, when they leave someone’s life, will give a reason. It could be that they were angry, disrespected, abused, following the crowd or otherwise influenced to leave. There is always a reason for them leaving. It could be that their job was done, whatever their job was at the time. Drifting apart is another reason. Over time people will follow their own paths that take them away. Through it all, though, the reason for them leaving is always pretty clear to both parties, most of the time.

     Then, there are those that leave for apparently no reason what-so-ever, or so it seems. They will say that nothing is wrong, they are vague about the whole thing or that they just want to do their own thing. All the while, the person left behind knows that there is more to the story than what is being said. Does it matter? Not in the least. You can’t control anyone but yourself and you definitely cannot control the actions, thoughts or emotions of another. If someone leaves your life without an obvious reason and they won’t let you know why, then it is on them. They don’t owe you anything.

     Let’s say that you have had a friend for years, even decades, that suddenly disappears from your life. What goes through your mind; what did I do, why are they gone, what can I do to get them back? All these questions and more usually go through the mind of the one left standing alone. You can try to find out but it won’t do any good, especially if the one that left doesn’t want to tell you. As for trying to get them back into your life, might as well try to talk the wall into moving over six inches under its own power. The more you try, the farther that person will move away from you.

     What makes it so bad is if that friend was someone really close to you, someone that you trusted with everything, and now won’t even try to talk to you about what is wrong with the relationship. When they will tell you things haven’t changed, nothing is wrong, they just want to do other things, you just can’t get the real reason out of them. They don’t want to tell you and they won’t. There is nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t matter how close you were, you aren’t anymore and the reason behind it is irrelevant. If they wanted you to know why they left you and the friendship behind, they would tell you. Is it fair? No, but no one said life was fair. Fair is something you pay a cabbie for a ride. Fair is somewhere you go to eat cotton candy and step in monkey poop. Fair has nothing to do with life.

     You are the master of your own destiny. As mi hijo always says, “Don’t let someone else control your life.” The only problem with that statement, that utterance of wisdom, is that when a person cares about someone, really cares, that person does control their emotions to a point. Only Spock can detach himself from all emotion and look at things totally logically. Oh, to be able to detach from emotion. Wouldn’t that be the way to go? If a person could be emotionally detached from everyone, what would they be like? Psychiatrists, therapists, human services workers, clergymen and even law enforcement would say that an emotionally detached person was mentally unstable. How could anyone not have emotions toward their fellow human beings?  The only problem with all those professionals is that they, themselves, are actually emotionally detached from humanity. They have to be to do their jobs, except for the clergy, they have to love everyone in a non-committal, platonic way unless you are an altar boy in the Catholic Church.

     When a couple get divorced after years, or decades, of marriage, who is the loser? There are always winners and losers. Unless it is a consensual parting, one party is usually devastated while the other goes out and parties their nights away having a great time. In this scenario, one is totally unhappy with the other for some reason only known to the hurt party. Let’s say Bob and Joyce have been together for thirty years. One day, Joyce comes into the kitchen while Bob is just leaving to his job and tells him that she is through, he will be hearing from her lawyer. Bob stutters and asks why she’s leaving and all she says is that she isn’t happy. Really? It took her thirty years to figure that out. Amazing. Bob is devastated because he didn’t know they were having problems and Joyce gets the house, the BMW, the kids, alimony and child support. Bob gets the shaft on top of his emotional distress. Joyce doesn’t understand why he’s upset in the least.

     Two friends, let’s say, Bill and Tom, have been friends for a long time, maybe since childhood. They do everything together and are best buds. They have shared their hopes and dreams, conquests and defeats and know as much about each other as two people can. One day, out of the blue, Tom just leaves. He doesn’t call or come by, when asked to hang out he’s got other things to do and refuses to give a reason. All he says is there is nothing wrong, he is doing other things and he is starting a new stage in his life. He’ll tell Bill he’ll stop by then doesn’t with the reason that he got distracted. He will tell Bill that he isn’t doing something anymore then goes out with others to do just that thing. Tom will hang out and do things with anyone but Bill. If Bill does see him, he has to go where Tom is working or otherwise tied down just to be able to talk to him in person. Is there a problem here? Of course there is. Will Tom let Bill know? Of course he won’t. Nothing is wrong, nothing has changed and everything is hunky-dorey, ok, fine, good. Bill knows differently but what can he do about it? Not a thing. Until Tom is ready to let the cat out of the bag and tell Bill what the problem is, Bill will be in the dark and hurting over the whole thing. And Tom will be sitting there wondering why Bill is devastated and not keeping on keeping on with his life like nothing has happened.

     This comes back to that emotional detachment. Joyce and Tom are emotionally detached from Bob and Bill. They couldn’t care less about what they are doing, or have done, to their significant other and friend. They can’t understand why the others don’t live their life as they always have despite the fact that an important part of their lives just disappeared without a reason or warning. Of course Joyce and Tom are happy, they knew what was coming, they know the reasons behind the actions and it doesn’t bother them one iota how the affected parties are hurt. They just don’t care; emotional detachment from humanity. Is that mental instability? Not really in these scenarios. It happens every day in every town in every state in every country. But, put someone out there that is emotionally detached from the beginning and that is something to worry about.

     So what does this have to do with a person coming into your life for a reason? Everything. Joyce came into Bob’s life, spent thirty years giving him support to succeed at his job, gave him children to carry on the bloodline and gave him someone to love. Tom was in Bill’s life to be a confidante, a partner-in-crime so to speak and someone that was there when no one else was when he needed someone the most. Why did they leave? Who knows? Was their job done that the gods and fates had for them? Only the gods and fates know that. Time heals all wounds as the old adage goes and after a time the pain turns to a dull ache and the longing turns into a distant memory. A lesson may have been learned or maybe the hurt party just turned into themselves and left humanity behind and became that emotionally detached psycho that the professionals worry about. It all depends on how emotionally attached they were to the ones that left. Some people never recover from a loss, others recover quite quickly. The bond between the two is the deciding factor. Or, maybe I should say the bond one felt for the other whether it was returned or not.

     Some would say that Bob and Bill would play the ‘pity-me’ card if they talked about their loss a lot. It isn’t that they would want pity. That would be downgrading to them. Not that there aren’t those that want people to pity them but most times it isn’t pity but understanding that the hurt party wants. They want to understand what happened and why. They want to know what happened between them and they are hoping that someone can give them some kind of answers. They are still completely attached to the one that left until those answers come; until they can understand the loss. Until that time, the emptiness in their souls cry out in agony, demanding attention and logic does not come into the equation like is has for the ones that left. To them it was only logical to do what they did and their emotional detachment won’t let them think any more about it and the hurt party is in the wrong for ‘clinging’ or not accepting what happened.

     The two most opposite things in the world are logic and emotion. Unlike love and hate, which are almost the same thing, logic and emotion are on the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum. It takes both to be a well-rounded human being but it is almost impossible for the two to work in tandem for most people. Any scenario is either a logical one or an emotional one with one of two outcomes. It will either work out or someone will be destroyed because of what is happening. If you find yourself in a situation such as this, don’t be the emotionally detached automaton, let the other one know why, give reasons not excuses. It could save a life.