My World, My Life, My Loves

I realize that a lot of my blog posts have been, shall we say, sappy for lack of better terminology. I apologize for this but the moods I have been have dictated where the words come from. As with all my writing, the words are not necessarily mine but the character’s or the mood’s. Therefore, what appears on paper (or on Microsoft Word) is what is going through my twisted mind. That being said, let me continue on with this post and see where it goes, shall we?

I have written about love, unrequited love, lust, soul mates, friends and lovers. All of these writings have had merit, as far as I’m concerned anyway, and each has had its own purpose. As a lot of people know, I am not a big believer in love between two people, only lust. A person can love their children, their siblings, their parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews but to love a person, forever, as a partner, I am very much inclined to disbelieve it. I just can’t believe that two people can love each other unconditionally for a lifetime as partners, significant others, husband and wife or any other way it can be said. Too often relationships end over the smallest thing, a slight misunderstanding or jealousy. A lifelong relationship just doesn’t happen anymore.

As for me, I do love certain people. I love my children more than life itself and I have friends that I would go through hell for. Lifelong relationships like that do happen. I have always, in my blogs, kept from stating names of people I care about other than my children but this one is different; I will put names to the people closest to me. I hope that these people will forgive the intrusion of their privacy.

My children, Jaquie and Michael, are my world. They are the reason I continue to suffer through this life of lost hope. The battles I have fought for them are beyond comprehension for most people. I have fought them for one reason: they are my children and I love them. I would die for my children, without a second thought. I regret that this world has become what it is while they are still growing and will have to suffer through things that I couldn’t even imagine when I was their age. I just hope that they are strong enough to survive.

My youngest children are my world. We argue. We disagree. We hate each other a lot of the time. The one thing that will always remain is that, no matter what, the love between us is stronger than anything else in the world. Through all the hardships, all the pain and all the suffering we have gone through, we are still a family and will remain a family. Jaquie has told me that I am her hero. Michael shows me every day how much he needs and loves me. What they don’t know is how much I love them and how important they are to me. Without them, I would have no reason to continue on. I would have no reason to keep fighting the fight. They are my life and love. Everything I do is because of them. I would have it no other way.

This life has been challenging to say the least, especially for the last sixteen or seventeen years. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster that most people would not survive. I’ve lost more than most people will ever have. I’ve been persecuted, prosecuted and lied about. I’ve done good things and bad. Through it all I have had my children with me and they have always loved their dad. Jaquie has given me advice, told me what to do, informed me of what I have done wrong and, more times than not, she has been right. She is her dad. She would rather hurt me with the truth than make me feel good with a lie. More than once I have had to look at her and say, “Damn it, Babe. You were right. Again.” Pisses me the hell off. I love her more than anything, more than she will ever know. For seventeen years she has been my baby and she will continue to be my baby until the end of time.

Michael, on the other hand, is my shadow. Whatever Dad is doing or whatever Dad likes is what he does and likes. He is his father’s son. Life with him has been more than a challenge. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, true childhood bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder and reactive attachment disorder. As he grows he is gaining more and more control over his problems and he is becoming a man in his own right. At fifteen he has few friends other than the friends that are mine. This is fine as the people I have around me are kind, considerate and, above all, tolerant of his behaviors that are not what most would call socially acceptable. He is my son and I will fight to the bitter end for him and he will stand up for me no matter what. That is what makes him one of the most special people in my life. My love for him knows no boundaries.

Throughout the ages I have been many things; I have had many people in my lives. The one constant is the people that have meant the most to me. Through the Celtic, Greek and Roman eras, the middle ages, the Industrial Revolution on into the present day I have had the same people with me. They may disagree, they may not believe, they may think me insane, but I do believe it because, if for no other reason, they are so important to me now. What were they in those past lives? I can only venture a guess, but as important as they are now, they were as close, if not closer, in those days gone by.

Mi Hijo, Julian. He is one of the most important people in my life that is not blood. Even though he is young, just 20 years old, he has been an advisor, sounding board, stabilizer and a voice of reason in a world of chaos. He has been my rock in a river of rapids on many occasions. With his mind, his logic, his common sense and compassion, he keeps me grounded. He will tell me if I am totally stupid or just making a mistake. I ask a lot of him; too much at times but without him I would be lost completely. He is my best friend, my son and part of the foundation of my world.

I have written about Zeus and Ganymede. I have written about social values and practices from ancient times to the present. I have spouted my theories and beliefs about what is, and isn’t, accepted behaviors within a society. My ideals about sexuality, partnerships, relationships, friends and lovers have been explained over and over. Achilles, Alexander, Leonardo, Mozart, Hitler, Churchill, and a host of others throughout history have all had one thing in common: as great a man as each was, they all had male partners in their lives. I do believe that throughout each of my past lives, Julian has been there as friend, son, partner and advisor. He has always been a part of my life. This life is no different. He has been there for many years, since he was just a wee lad, he and his twin brother. I can say without pause or embarrassment that I love him. I love him as much as I love my own children. I cannot see life without him there.

In the golden age before the Greek and Roman gods, as I have written before, I was a king. Hated and loved at the same time. I was a tyrant and demanded respect. My subjects feared and revered me. I was a god. All rulers need someone beside them. Who was the one beside me? I can only speculate that it was Julian. He and I think so much alike most of the time that I can only imagine him as someone that I could trust enough to not conspire against me. Even in this life, I trust him more than anyone. He holds the razor above my wrist and he, alone, can destroy me. That kind of trust does not come easily, nor does it come in one lifetime. He, alone, would be the one that I would entrust a kingdom to and he, alone, do I place above all others, save my children.

There are those times when mi hijo will look at me and ask, “Why do you need me?” I can only look at him and try to find the right words to let him know just how important he is and nothing seems to convey what he means to me. Throughout our lives together he has always been that way. He just doesn’t realize his importance or his worth. Even though he is young, he is older than his chronological age. His mind is so advanced that I forget just how young he is. His advice and his insight are more valuable to me than that of a man much older than myself. The only thing Julian lacks is experience in this life and if he would just tap into his past, into the Universe and sense the information from those long past days he could gain that experience without going through it in this life. Most of the advice I ask from him today pertains to my children. This is because he is just slightly older than them and understands more what they are going through and how kids these days think. But even when it is something far greater, his insight is still sought simply because of his intellect and logic. He is the Robert to my John Kennedy.

Sonya, another advisor and compatriot, is important to me. She, also, can be a voice of reason in a world of chaos. Where Julian is logic, Sonya is emotion. She keeps my roller-coaster from leaving the tracks. She, too, is young. But, youth does not always mean stupidity or lack of common sense. Youth means not having the experiences in life that will make you second guess yourself. Cynicism has not set in so deep as to make the world look completely black. Sonya looks at the world realistically yet with eyes that see the good as well as the bad. She has the balance, emotionally, that I lack because of my cynicism and depressive outlook on life.

 She has been my emotional anchor for quite some time. When things look darkest and I can only see the blackness of despair, she is there to light the way. Being a Wiccan, she is also my ‘psychic’ advisor. I have never liked the term ‘psychic’ as that denotes a fraud and she is not a fraud. The Tarot and runes never lie, it’s just how you interpret them and she has rarely been wrong. She has been there through some of my darkest days and helped me through some of my lowest times.

As with Julian, there has been a lot asked of her. Not once has she complained or balked at my requests. She has told me when I was stupid and when I needed to wait for things instead of rushing in head first. Where Julian is my rock, Sonya is the rope that keeps me there. She can bring a smile when all I want to do is bitch and moan and then make me see the folly of my misery. There are times I would like to tell her to go kick rocks with what she is telling me but I know that she is right. That is what makes a good advisor and a great friend; someone who will not always tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear.

While Julian has always been the one beside me, Sonya has always been the one in the shadows, quietly giving her input where needed. This is not in any way downgrading her importance. Every great man has had a strong woman somewhere in his life to make him the great one he is. Sonya has been that woman. Never being anything more than friend and advisor but still more important than any other woman has ever been and I cannot see life without her.

Honesty and integrity, two of the most important aspects in any relationship, are what keeps these two in the top two spots on my list. I could leave a million dollars cash money on the table and leave knowing that it would all be there when I came back, no matter how long it took, as long as Julian and Sonya were there. That is what has made them both so important throughout history with me. These two people cannot be replaced by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Without their minds, their hearts, their love and devotion I would not be half the man I am. They have made me what and who I am and it has taken a multitude of lives to form me. It has taken many lives to make me into the person I am and I owe it all to Julian and Sonya. I will forever be grateful to them for what all they have done, are doing and, hopefully, will continue to do.

This is my world. This is my family. These are the most important people in my life. I know that Julian would say that I forgot one; that his brother should be in here also. Josh is in here, always. He has his reasons for being absent from my everyday life and I accept those reasons. This does not mean that I think less of him. He is Julian’s twin. He was my number one Mexican until he was forced to be absent by circumstances beyond his control. I will always love him and he will always be a major factor in my life. It is only that he will be at a distance for most of the time. When he does come around, and he does occasionally, I am extremely happy. I miss him and wish he were here more but that cannot be at this time. He will return and I will write about him. But not right now. There are others that have been in my life that I know have been part of my past; Jesse and Brian for example. They are not part of my life at this time so I don’t speak of them often and they are not as important at this time. They have been, though. That will be another story altogether and is not part of this one.

I will never back down and I will never back away. I will fight the fight and win the day for this family of mine as I know they would for me. I love them more than they could possibly know. They get upset at me, they hate when I keep telling them how much I love them and they berate me for a lot of things I do and say. But they, at the end of the day, know that I am right and that all I am doing is being the best I can be. Without Jaquie, Michael, Julian and Sonya I would not survive anything. I would lose the fight simply because I would have no reason to fight it. They are all I am.

 

 

 

Your Soul Mate: Who is He/She?

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I was trying to find a good subject for a blog but couldn’t get my mind around it. Mi Hijo turned me on to this website called GoodReads that has quotes from books, authors, celebrities on other famous people. Now, I have been known to write about a lot of things that I know absolutely nothing about so I thought maybe I would try the subject of love and soul mates. I found this quote to be very enlightening. I like what Ms. Gilbert said so I will continue on with this as best I can with wit, humor and a base of knowledge that comes to the sum total of zero.

My idea of a soul mate has always been exactly what Ms. Gilbert said in that first sentence: the perfect fit. You know; that one person in the world that completes you, fills you up and you never want to be without. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Of course it is. The best friend, the lover, the confidante all rolled into one. That, my friends, is a soul mate. At least that’s what I thought it was until I read this quote and got to thinking about it. As I read through this I got to thinking about it more closely. What is a best friend? What is a confidante? We all know what a lover is.

A best friend is someone who loves you no matter who you are, what you are, where you are or anything else. They don’t care if you are rich or poor, skinny or fat, cute or ugly or even popular or an outcast. They love you for you; all of you. That best friend will also let you know when you screw up, when you are going down the wrong path or when you are on the precipice of oblivion. They let you know when you are sabotaging yourself and make you look at yourself honestly. Your walls are non-existent to them because you trust them so implicitly and because your walls are down, they are able to make you see yourself for who you are. They hold the razor to your life and can cut you to the heart, destroying you because they know everything about you. That is a best friend because they can do all that and still love you for it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is always up to you to change if you choose and if you choose not to they will still love you.

The confidante is that person that knows every secret in your life. Well, maybe not every secret but pretty darn close. You go to them for advice, consolation, in victory and defeat. They are the Robert to your John Kennedy. More than a best friend yet not quite because that razor isn’t in their hand like it is with the Best Friend, but they kinda hold the hand that holds the razor.

So, going on this line of thought, a soul mate is best friend, confidante and, a lot of the time, the lover, but this type of soul mate described by Ms. Gilbert is one that comes into your life, is all the above for a while and then leaves because their job is done. Once this type of soul mate has broken you down to build you up, they go somewhere else to do the same damage to someone else knowing that you are the better person for it. I kind of agree with this yet disagree because I believe that this type soul mate stays in your life as the mentor type person. Still a best friend and still someone you confide in. They still hold that damn razor. They may no longer be the lover for one reason or another but they will always be in your life simply because you will always need that person to keep you in line, show you a different route, and help you along the way to keep from falling.

Let’s go a little bit further. Let’s say that you have someone in your life that you think is your soul mate. It doesn’t matter whether that soul mate is same sex or not. You have to look at who they are and what they do for you. Is it that they just make you happy? Is it that you’ve known them forever and have been close friends your whole life? Is it because they like the same things you do? Is it because they are there when you need them no matter what? All good questions to think about.

If they just make you happy that does not make a soul mate. It just means that you like to be around them, they’re funny, and they can make you smile when you’re in a bad mood. Just about anyone can do that if they try hard enough. Go to a bloody circus and watch the clowns, if you’re not afraid of clowns. After a while that frown will turn to a smile. The same goes for if it is because they like the same things you do. I’ve known people that mimicked someone because they wanted to be like them to the point where their whole lives changed. I read something decades ago about a kid that loved Star Trek’s Spock so much that he changed himself into Spock, to the point of not even showing emotion. That doesn’t make a person a soul mate.

So you’ve known this person your whole life and have been best friends. This person would do their best to come to your aid in the middle of the night if you needed them. Most people have friends like that; most, not all. Does that make this person your soul mate? Hardly. If it did then everyone would have their soul mates without trying and no one would be looking for that special someone.

Let’s put it all together now. You have a best friend that likes everything you do, makes you happy and will come to your aid that you have known your whole life. You can even share your inner-most thoughts, fears and dreams with this person. They might even know you better than most but that does not mean they are your soul mate. Re-read Ms. Gilbert’s description and you’ll see what I mean. A soul mate will tear you down, make you see yourself honestly, help you find yourself, guide you, advise you, be there for you, tear up your ego a little just to make you see yourself more honestly and then build a stronger you.

A true soul mate, that one person that comes into your life that so special, is a rarity; so much so that when you find that person you should grab hold of him/her and love them with all your heart and soul and never let them go. The true soul mate, whether same sex or not, will be more to you than anyone else; loyal, trustworthy, the confidante, the conscience, the guide, the mentor and could possibly even be the lover. Most people see their soul mate as the lover simply because they believe their soul mate is opposite sex. If that soul mate is same sex it can, and sometimes does, include a sexual relationship, albeit, discreet and secret.

The vast majority of people believe that sex is an integral part of soul mates. If it is a same sex person then is sex that important? To some it is, others it is not. A person can be straighter than a stripper pole and still be in an intimate relationship with someone that is same sex. Both parties can be straight and still be in that same sex relationship if there is trust, loyalty, devotion and love. Then, the soul mate relationship will be totally complete as the majority sees it. The sexual side, if same sex, is unknown to the world but enjoyed by the two involved behind closed doors.

So, when you find that special someone, and if you haven’t, you will, it won’t matter who they are, how old they are, what sex they are or where they are in life, they will be there for you and love you more than anyone else could or would, so take hold of them like a drowning man grabs a life preserver. Keep them close and believe that, no matter what, they are there and there is nothing that you could do or say that will ever make them not love you. Trust him/her to always have your back, never cut you down, never humiliate you, always build you up and to love you with all their heart and soul. There is that someone out there for you. All you have to do is open your eyes and see.