Letter to a Love Lost

On the road of experience and trying to find my own way, I wish that I could fly away. When I think that I’m moving, suddenly things stand still, I’m afraid because I think they always will. I’m looking for space and to find out who I am and looking to know and understand. It’s a sweet dream, sometimes I’m almost there. Sometimes I fly like an eagle; sometimes I’m deep in despair.

All alone in the Universe; sometimes that how it seems. That’s when I get lost in the sadness and the screams. Then I look in the center and suddenly everything’s clear; I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams.

On the road of experience, you have to join in the living day. If there’s an answer, it’s just that it’s just that way. When you’re looking for space and to find out who you are; when you’re looking to try and reach the stars- It’s a sweet dream and sometimes I’m almost there. Sometimes I fly like an eagle and sometimes I’m deep in despair. There are times I go flying high… (Fly Away)

You know that you fill up my senses like a night in the forest, like the mountains in spring time, like a walk in the rain. Like a storm in the desert and like a sleepy blue ocean, you fill up my senses, come fill me again. Come let me love you, let me give my life to you. Let me drown in your laughter; let me die in your arms. Let me lay down beside you and let me always be with you. Come, let me love you and love me again. (Annie’s Song)

Are you crying? Do the tears belong to me? Did you think our time together was all gone? You’ve been dreaming. I’m as close as I can be. I swear to you our time has just begun. Close your eyes and rest your weary mind. I promise I will stay right here beside you. Today, our lives were joined, became entwined. I wish that you could know how much I love you. Are you happy, do you feel the way I do? Are there meanings that you’ve never seen before? I can’t believe it’s true. It’s like I’ve never loved before. (My Sweet Lady)

I’ll walk in the rain by your side; I’ll cling to the warmth of your hand. I’ll do anything to keep you satisfied and I’ll love you more than anybody can. The wind will whisper your name to me; little birds will sing along in time. Leaves will bow down when you walk by and morning bells will chime.

I’ll be there when you’re feeling down to kiss away the tears if you cry. I’ll share with you all the happiness I’ve found, a reflection of the love in your eyes. I’ll sing you the songs of the rainbow, a picture of the joy that is mine. I’ll do anything to help you understand and I’ll love you more than anybody can. (For Baby)

Just to look in your eyes again, to lay in your arms. Just to be the first one always there for you. To live in your laughter, sing in your heart and to be every one of your dreams come true. Just to sit by your window, to touch in the night. Just to long for your kisses, dream of your sighs and to know that I’d give my life for you, for the rest of my life, all the best of my life. For you alone, only for you.

Just to wake up each morning to you by my side; to know that you’re never really far away. Just a reason for living, to say I adore to know that you’re here in my heart to stay for the rest of my life. I give just the words of a love song, the beat of my heart and the pledge of my life, my love, only for you. (For You)

You know, of course we have our differences; you shouldn’t be surprised. It’s as natural as changes in the seasons and the skies. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we drift apart; a wiser man than I might know the seasons of the heart. As I’m walking here beside you in the early evening chill, a thing we always loved to do, I know we always will. We have so much in common, so many things we share, that I can’t believe my heart when it implies that you’re not really there.

Love is why I came here in the first place and now the reason I must go. Love is all I ever hoped to find here and still the only dream I know. So I don’t know how to tell you; it’s difficult to say. I never in my wildest dreams imagined it this way, but sometimes I just don’t know you. There’s a stranger in our home. When I’m lying right beside you is when I’m most alone. I think my heart is broken because there’s emptiness inside. There are so many things I’ve longed for that have often been denied. Still I wouldn’t try to change you and there’s no one that’s to blame. It’s just some things that mean so much and we just don’t feel the same. (Seasons of the Heart)

We were just beginning and it was such an easy thing; lying back up in the mountains, making songs for summer days. You got tired of picking daisies and cooking my meals for me. You can live the life you want to; yes it’s alright with me. You see I think I’d rather be a cowboy and I think I’d rather ride the range than to lay me down in love and lady’s chains. I’d rather live on the side of a mountain than wander through canyons of concrete and steel. I’d rather laugh with the rain and the sunshine, than to lay down my sundown in some starry field.

Oh, but I miss you in the mornings, when I awake alone. The absence of your laughter is a cold and empty sound. Your memory makes me smile and I want you to know, I love you, yes I love you, just enough to let you go. (I’d Rather be a Cowboy)

It’s cold here in the city, it always seems that way and I’ve been thinking about you almost every day. I’ve been thinking about the good times, thinking about the rain and thinking about how bad it feels alone again. I’m sorry for the way things are in China. I’m sorry things ain’t what they used to be, but more than anything else, I’m sorry for myself because you’re not here with me.

Our friends all ask about you and I say you’re doing fine and I expect to hear from you almost anytime. They all know I’m crying, that I can’t sleep at night. They all know I’m dying down deep inside. I’m sorry for all the lies I told you and for all the things I didn’t say, but more than anything else, I’m sorry for myself; I can’t believe you went away. I’m sorry if I took some things for granted and for the chains I put on you, but more than anything else, for living without you. (I’m Sorry)

As you can see, songs tell stories and can let a person’s feeling s be known in a way that cannot always be expressed by mere words out of a mortal mind. Each of the songs above, written and performed by John Denver, tells the story of love found, blossomed and then lost. There are no sentences, paragraphs or manuscripts that could tell the story as well as music, even if it is more than one song as it is above.

If the person that the above storyline is about never knows it is about them, so be it. When it comes to how a heart works, how emotions can control a person, I know little. I have been told, numerous times, that a person does not choose whom they fall in love with. If this is true, then where is free will? Where is choice? What happens when the person that is the object of another’s affections does not return those feelings? There is only one person for each of us in each lifetime. Some say that there is only one for all our lifetimes. If this is true, how can two people, in today’s world, come together and live happily ever after? Especially when certainty is non-existent in a throw-away world.

I have been married three times and had numerous lovers. Each time it was to last forever. Each died after several years. I am NOT the easiest person to live with, just ask my children. I am set in my ways, an oak, unbending and unyielding to the winds of time. For someone to be able to live with that, happily, it takes great fortitude and patience. There are few that are able to do this. I am an open book for the most part, yet there are chapters that remain closed off to all but a select few. I trust not easily the secrets of my heart. There are few that have seen even a glimmer of those secrets.

My children, all of them, are the most important part of my life and anyone that would be part of my life would have to understand that my children come before all else. Love is a many splendored thing if that love is returned. My daughter, my son, my ‘adopted’ sons and those that I have taken in and cared about are all loved more than even they realize. My biological children are my life; my ‘adopted’ children, although already raised and grown, are just as important to me.

I am getting a little too close to revealing too much regarding my life. I refuse to give away all the secrets of my life. Let it suffice to say that, when it comes to the people that I love, I love them with all my heart and soul. I would give them the world on a silver platter, with gold trim and platinum engraving, if it were possible. As it is, all I can give is what I have: my life, my love and my everything.